To The 10 And Back
Contents:
1.Prologue
I am gonna kick start
the first of the two blogs that I am almost forced to write by my conscience.
This series is gonna go deep, so I can't promise that most of u will make any
head or tail outta it. It depends on how deep u wanna go.
Why am I doing this particular series of
posts. For one, this is gonna be an eye-opener to many and probably to myself
when I finish it off. Second, I feel compelled to write this down, especially
after coming so close to the end.
The inspiration comes from many sources
but the fact that I just got confirmation of my 10/10 score for the fourth
semester was the kill.
This series is gonna maybe bring out a
few things abt myself, and hence is very appropriate for the title of the blog
itself viz. "I am ... umm, who am I ??"
Finally, I want to
make it clear that at no point will I lose my humbleness and will I try to hurt
others. I mean, I am gonna try my best to make sure u ppl don't say "What do u
know, u r a 10 pointer. U don't know how it feels to .....". Plz, don't think
that. The fact that a few ppl are gonna think like that is one reason I didn't
blog earlier but I think I need to do this.
2.Why Now ??
I cud have done this
anytime earlier in the sem, but I never felt the urge to do it and well, I am
someone who doesn't do things unless the urge arises. I know it sounds normal
but when I say things I mean almost everything.
This fourth 10 that I scored was the
most important for me, and not bcoz its the latest or any such naive
thing. Its coz there was a bigger battle at stake. An inner battle. The
sem that passed wasn't just yet another academic semester. It was a lot
more for me. It was my biggest battle (biggest completed battle, bigger
battles are still on :) ).... against many things. I had to fight back, in every
sense of the word. The pressure from within was too enormous to bother about
extrinsic pressures.
After the end-sems ver done I was like
in a daze for almost a day before I got my senses back. I was like too
exhausted to even be myself (looks like a nice statement na). It drew me
out, emptied all my reserves.
There is more to a 10 than meets the
eye. Its dark. It takes over you.
The problem is, I ain't like ur average
tenner. Studies like hell, never takes his head outta the books, stinks in the
lib day in and day out, doesn't talk to normal guys, has no feelings,
doesn't play games etc etc (sorry I exaggerated). Heck, I ain't even half of
that.
Had I been a sincere student, I cud have
identified with a tenner. But no, its beyond that.
And to tell u the truth, I am happy I
ain't like that. I do have a life.
Again, why now ??
Bcoz I have just
gone thru the details of the battle and I think it wud help to share my thoughts
on it. So, that's why now.
3.A Lesson Learnt
I lived a long time
thinking that hard-work wasn't necessary or essential to succeed. And I
did do without it for an year atleast (first sem was decent work). But once the
sem went real bad and I realized that I had started on the wrong foot (I think I
started out on my hands), I cudn't do much other than fall back to the basics.
The only prob was, I had never gone by the basics; I wasn't a text-book guy.
So, I had to kinda discover what hard-work really meant (actually, I am
exaggerating again, coz I still haven't hard-worked. The hard
was well, mildly hard ;) ). But to some extent, I cudn't do anything else. There
wasn't much margin for error.
And when I did finally confirm the
result, I also confirmed a lesson to myself "Hard-work does pay at the end".
Here's where the bad part starts.
U c, hard is a relative term.
So, if u are in a habit of pushing urself, it doesn't mean u r working hard. If
u wanna work-hard, it means u have to raise the standards above ur
normal ones. Its relative. Its about beating urself.
I know ppl who have almost worked their
backs off (I wanted this to b a "U" rated post, so I had to use backs)
but they haven't got anything significant out. Why ??
I can't answer that fully but it's about
you. Every one has a certain level of things and at one place or the
other, it does come down to things like luck, chance, inherent skill etc.
What do u then, well, I dunno. I need an
answer to that too.
So, for all those
out there who think hard-work is just another fancy text-book term to be used
only by professors and teachers, well, wake up. It helps. Hard-work
does pay off.
4.The Dark Side
I know its strange to
think about anything bad connected with a 10, but believe me, its
sometimes a number that has haunted me for days. In this post I am going to give
a general picture of a few things that almost all tenners face.
U know, when I accidentally wrote abt
that relative thing in my previous posts, I didn't realize how deep it
was until I had a chat with a close friend of mine abt it. U c, being a 10 sure
feels good, but it has its own pros and cons, just like any other score does.
This 10 has an effect on you, like the
Ring in the LOTR. You covet it so much that u don't see other things around u,
things that actually do matter. Things as simple as relations, emotions, life
itself. The thing absorbs you. I sure feel good being a tenner but
every time I get my marks in the midsems its like " Will I be defending my 10
with such marks ?", or "Is this good enough ?". It does not stop. Even though
you have performed much better than most ppl, all u can do is sigh and hope that
its good enough to give u an A, whereas other ppl around u who have scored an A
are rejoicing. It even takes away the pleasure of scoring an A grade. Its that
bad. When I did end up doing bad in my 1st midsems for reasons I can't put here,
I felt a guilt in me. Like I wasn't capable of carrying the 10 anymore;
and it was killing me. I spent weeks thinking at nights on how to handle myself
and whether I should think of being captivated by this 10 and work all out to
regain it or just stay cool and do as much as I can and not be intimidated by
the 10. Theoretically, I shud have chosen the latter, I know that's the right
thing to do. U shouldn't get intimidated, in no circumstances. But I chose the
former. And I know most of u will say that I did do the right thing coz I ended
up scoring a 10.
But I know I chose wrong. I will
elaborate more in the next post.
U c, ppl start creating an image abt u.
U don't have a choice nemore. Ppl expect something from u, almost for granted.
And it ain't good, not at all. Atleast for someone like me who values his
independence and his moods above all else. I don't want to care abt what others
expect from me, yet I am forced to. I think its getting kinda hazy.
Another problem is that u r forced to
work hard even on courses that are soooo damn boring and don't even deserve
to be worked upon. But u still have to slog on them, while the rest of the ppl
can easily enjoy and amuse themselves with more interesting subjects. This was
one thing that personally made me feel like this 10 business was a major
let-down. It was forcing me to do things that I knew I shouldn't. I mean, there
were subjects I wanted to go deeper into but I had to sacrifice the time to cope
up on other boring subjects just coz I wasn't assured of an A in it
(though I was pretty sure of a B in them). I mean this is the worst part of it.
The entire "good education" thing was at stake due to this 10. I feel that
atleast some part of my problems are reaching u.
And another thing that this 10 throws at
you (but which I triumphantly stepped over) is the choice of electives. There
are always electives that are known to be "grade-lifters" and those electives
which are "challenging but tough". Any day before entering IIT I wud have chosen
the challenging thing without a second thought. But now, being a tenner and that
image looming and hovering above me, I had an extra weight on me. What shud I
do. Go for the grade-savers or for the challenge. Now, I will let u in on one
major fact. Most ppl I know, though not tenners, don't even give it a second
tot. I asked them y they chose so_and_so elective and the simple answer I got
was "The prof is cool. Gives a lot of A's". And when I ask them what the course
is about, its like "I dunno. Ppl say its easy". What the hell man !!
Where are u ppl. IIT or in school. And
this is so prevelant that I get these looks from ppl "Hey, y r u even asking
this. Don't u know which course to take ? ". I mean the whole point of
introduction of electives has broken down.
So, if u want to choose an elective, its
like a two_minute_recipe
step 1: look at all the courses
step 2:strike-off the courses that have
a tuff course
step 3:strike-off the courses that have
a prof who ain't very lenient in grading
step 4:look for courses ver u can easily
impress the prof and Voila !! , u r done.
U have a list of courses and all u have
to do is pick one and pretend that u like it and have an interest in
it. Simple eh ??
Never appealed to me though, this whole
idea of electives to save grades.
So, what did I do
? I'll answer that in the next post, which is gonna encapsulate how I handled
things. This post was meant to be how a tenner feels, not how I feel.
5.Confessions
This is it ppl, the
crux of the entire series. When I started off on the series yesterday, I wanted
to share with u all the feelings that I had being a tenner. Sure u all know or
can guess how it positively helps u by giving confidence and so on but
somehow no one bothers to think abt the negatives. The thing is, everything
has a +ve and a -ve. Everything. That has been my guideline at the worst of
times even. I am gonna talk abt the negatives here, coz somewhere deep inside, I
am sarcastic and its the -ves that shine and amaze me rather than the +ves.
Continuing on things that I left in the
previous post, I must tell you that everyone has an image of a tener in
their minds. A certain set of characteristics that you associate with a tenner,
sometimes even physical characteristics (a friend of mine recently showed my
photograph to his friends and the first thing they all told him was "He doesn't
look like a tenner" :)) ). It creates a profile of urs, whether u like
it or not. Somehow I can't digest the feeling that there is a profile of me out
there in ppl's mind that isn't truly me. There area few tenners who
really are like their profile suggests. But not all, atleast not me. And it
kills me from within to see how ppl react to me at times. Some go so very sweet
when they talk to me just coz I have scored a 10 and I know they won't even bat
an eyelid if I weren't a tenner. Its that bad. U lose urself, whether u like it
or not. Now I can't possibly go around telling ppl that I ain't like what u
think I am. Fortunately, my wing mates atleast know who I really am and they
respect me for that and I respect them for this mere approval of my true from.
U know, if u ask me, I never wanted to
be a tenner. It wasn't something I worked for. Back in 1st sem the only thing I
knew (or was supposed to know) was that I have to do well to get a
branch-change. But when the 10 happened, the scenario changed. My plans now had
a lower limit. I cudn't go below a certain level now. Why ?? Coz I
wasn't supposed to. "A tenner doesn't do ....". I mean, I never wanted to be
wearing the cloak of 10 over me but I cudn't help it. It was stuck to me.
To tell u the truth, this is what I
wanted :- 8 point someone, mech. engg., living life very cool at my own pace,
enjoying life and going beyond grades forever, to spend precious time trying to
discover life rather than slog on sick courses,..... the list is endless. But I
am sure u get the picture. Now imagine this, cud I do this after scoring a 10 ??
I mean, what ppl or rather "society" wud say is that I ended up below where I
cud have been. And I will confess. I didn't feel myself when I took
CSE. Things r different now. I am making most of what has come my way (luckily,
CSE still has a lot of classic mathematical theory in it, which I love). Now u
know why I blogged abt society that much. Coz I was myself a victim and worst of
all, ppl never saw the scars, they thought they were like joy-marks. I know half
of u will b like "what the hell is he talking abt. Surely CSE is better than
Mech.". Yes, I know. But as I told u all, my independence and my likings are
more important to me than facts. I can't step over myself like most ppl
unknowingly do. Its like disrespecting yourself. Why ??
Is it wrong to think and do differently.
Of course not. Every person is born different and surely God knows better than
to create ppl vth differing personalities. Why do things that are known to b
rite. Why not do things that u think are right and u r comfortable with rather
than walk down a path that u don't want to go ?? A question as simple as this
has no answers. Ppl will simply turn their heads away. I can't.
At the beginning of the sem, when I was
exposed to a real crap course (my batchmates know which course I am talking
abt), I kinda lost faith in acads and I think I was right. There is no use
sulking in the heat of such stupid courses. But when I told bout these feelings
of mine to a friend, he responded "Anshul, u r a tenner. U are not supposed
to behave like that, atleast not u". That was it right there. I felt like I was
being cornered. I wasn't supposed to. Why ??
Just coz a two-digit number hovers
around me. No. I can't accept that.
When the electives issue came up for the
1st time last sem, I spent almost a week trying to fight off the fear of grades
over choosing good courses. Finally I won. I decided I would take good courses
rather than easy ones. But, it seemed I was too late. 4 of my electives were
rejected coz I was late in submitting requests :( I had no choice. The only
alternative left was a course that was easy.
But when the same issue rose up for the
next sem, I didn't wait. I attacked early and I am happy to say that I chose
courses that ver real good and interesting rather than the drab ones.
U know, it wasn't easy. But I was
predetermined not to b a victim again. I had to fight it. This little thing in
itself was a very big victory for me. Very big.
I don't know whether these courses will
b responsible for my stepping down from the 10 or not but frankly, I feel I have
won the war even before it started. I don't care what I score. I am gonna do my
best, regardless of what happens and what the society says. I don't
care. Its my life, my own life.
Remember I talked abt being victimized
by the power of this 10 in the early part of last sem when I did my 1st mids
badly. I think now u'll understand y I felt at a loss. The whole point of
education is to teach u something and not just expect u to mug things
and blurt them out. But when I chose to work to regain my 10, I must confess
(and I am sure that most ppl in my place wouldn't even realize this) that I gave
in. I lost right there. I chose to give time to even those filthy courses just
coz I had chosen to regain my 10. But the guilt was so strong in me that I
actually discovered a new weapon. Hard-work. For this, I don't wholly regret my
decision. U c, there is always a good side to things.
U know, there are some things to which u
can just close ur eyes and they will continue feeding on u and u will b in a
state of daze and won't realize what's happening. Just like say when someone
starts taking drugs. The person, after a while gives in to the fact that its
destroying him and he just closes his eyes to the facts. That is what a 10 can
do. I mean, what I experienced last sem when I had to decide on what to do next
after my 1st mids was just too much to ask of a poor soul. I never felt so
battered before. I mean, I knew the worst that cud happen was spi 8.8, which
means a cpi of 9.7 !! (just checked in calc, so don't worry). I mean, imagine a
guy getting worried for days tho he knows happen wat may, he'll atleast score a
9.7. This was my condition. I cudn't even pity myself, coz once u have decided
to go on vth something, u have to go on vth full force, and no self-pitying at
all.
That's y I considered my last 10 to be
more than just a 10. There is still a very important (most imp. actually) angle
to it that I can't write about due to personal reasons but if u even feel a bit
of the pain that I went thru, I will b satisfied.
U know, life ain't all that sunny. Its
dark too. Every room has its own dark corners an bright walls. There is no
denying it.
I just hope that ppl don't attribute an
image to someone just by seeing the materialistic aspects. The im-materialistic
ones are the ones that really matter.
Don't
learn, but discover. sounds nice eh ?, my own creation :)
6.Uncalled Responsibilities
When I was telling
about my not_so_enthusiastic inclination into continuing to slog with studies to
a friend of mine, she responded "..Anshul, u have been given this intelligence,
wouldn't it be a shame if u didn't work on it....". Shame,
the word hit me hard. Hmm, was it that bad. I mean, did I sign up for
this deal. Well, I am sure happy about the reapings that I am getting but is
this what I asked for ? Sure its a good thing to score well, but is it a
responsibility to score well given that u have a good brain ? I am not saying
its not. But is it ??
There was this quote from the movie
National Treasure that Nicolas Cage makes, "If there's something wrong, those
who have the ability to take action have the responsibility to take action". Is
it true ? Well, he was referring to a crisis but is it that u have to take on
the responsibility whether u like it or not ?
I mean, sure this is a debatable topic
and it did need clarification for me to move on. I was in a fix. I didn't want
to slog. I was happy and wud b happy with decent marks, 8 ish. But once the 10
came, well, it became a responsibility. I cud make a 10. But does that mean I
shud make a 10. Then it dawned on me (actually it dawned just now).
There are many in IIT's who can make a 10, but they do not. If I didn't press
on, I wud b one of them. Is it wrong to b like them ? I guess not. Its as simple
as priorities. Priorities are personal and also dynamic, that is, they change
with time and situation. But still, I still sometimes think of the shame
that the entire issue brought up for me.
In one way, its good. It pushed me to do
things that would help me. Sure it might be painful on the way and I had to slog
thru some very sick courses, but, that's how it is. That's the way
things are. Good and bad. We sure cud do without the sick courses, but then I
had to go thru it like many others did. Sure the education system is all messed
up but this is the education system that is in right now. It won't change
overnight.
I guess that tho I cribbed a lot, I must
accept that there are two sides to everything. The only thing was, that
I hoped u ppl wud understand that 10 is not all that it looks like. It isn't.
In my first days in IITK, I and most ppl
understood one thing - ppl are not what they look like. Its not written on
anyone's face or behavior that he/she is such_and_such.
Likewise, just
bcoz of an image, don't assume that the person will also be like that.
7.Full Stop
I will wrap it up here
with some final words.
Say there's a guy A. Say, he has an
image in public or rather in society. Call this image B.
The chances that B is truly representing
A are not 100%. I think its only about 50%.
The other 50% mostly try to forget their
original image and try to dwell in their made up image, image B in this
case. Now, maybe the new image is good, but it is false. It isn't the
natural image. And I think one shouldn't be intimidated by anyone, not even by
his own image. There is a reason why all of us are born different (a blog on
this will b thr soon) and I think we shud b what v are. Try and do the best vth
what v r given rather than try to fit out.
Images don't reflect upon the person
truly. It might not even be remotely close to what the person really is.
I'll conclude by saying that DO NOT
ASSES A PERSON BY HIS FACE OR OTHER PHYSICAL FEATURES OR HIS BEHAVIORS OR
HIS IMAGE.
That shud be all. Thanks for being so
patient.
Adios.