Brochure for Xmos University
General Information
Xmos University is a private, non-sectarian, cholesterol free, four
year1 university that was founded
in 1649 BC by Egyptian priest of the obscure Xmos sect. Founded with
the motto "I believe it because it is absurd," Xmos University lives up
to that ideal today. Originally, admissions were limited to the sons
of priests and noblemen, but today the University welcomes applicants
of all races, creeds, colors, sexes, social standings, and degrees of
cleanliness. In fact, anyone who has the endurance to fill out the
legendary two hundred page application form will probably be accepted.
We have students from twelve different species: including three types
of primates, several penguins, an anaconda, and a bulldozer (which is
on the football team).
With a student body of 100,000, Xmos University offers both the
friendly, close knit atmosphere and personalized attention of a large
university, while also offering the depth and breadth of courses and
high-tech equipment of the very smallest colleges. We boast a student
to faculty ratio of 200e:PI, and a library with over 2,000,000,000
volumes, including our 1,999,999,998 volume pornography section and the
complete works of Rev. Xmos. Our strongest majors are Poetry and
Basket Weaving. Our most popular major among males is Fraternity
Parties, and Sorority Parties is the most popular among female
students.
Graduate Makeup of Xmos University
|
| 1% | Doctors
|
| 1% | Lawyers
|
| 1% | Scientists
|
| 1% | World political leaders
|
| 7% | Upstanding citizens
|
| 10% | Not very successful writers
|
| 83% | Bums
|
Estimated Costs of Xmos University
|
Costs
|
| Tuition and Fees: | $16,345.97
|
| Room: | $4,219.99
|
| Board:2 | $2,345.16
|
| Books: | $934.00
|
| Pencils: | $452.32
|
| Paper: | $390.16
|
| Pizza: | $7,234.96
|
| Tips for pizza: | $6.42
|
| Medical Care:3 | $20,345.01
|
| Teacher Bribes: | $7,659.00
|
| Transportation:4 | $500,000.00
|
| Laundry: | $831.67
|
| Sub Total: | $560,764.66
|
|---|
Income
|
| Financial Aid Package: | -$5,100.43
|
| Scholarships: | -$500.00
|
| Coupons: | -$2.50
|
| Total: | $555,161.73
|
|---|
Copyright ©1994, 1996 Aaron Greenhouse. Comments?
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