...My roommate had just reformatted all the lab computers in order to cleanse them of viruses or something like that, and had afterward commented to me that he had gotten a real kick out of it. This worried me a bit, as... well, I explain it below.

In the continuing effort to avoid having to do homework, and in the lack of anybody nearby to play cards or computer games with, I have been thinking about the joy some people seem to derive from the formatting of hard drives. What pleasure could anybody derive from the senseless destruction of data which is powerless to resist? You just type Format c: and there it is. That's the whole thing. What do you do then? Just sit back, relax, and cackle evilly for five minutes, I guess.

Really, now. If there was some challenge to it, that would be different. If, say, the computer noticed that you were trying to format its hard drive, presumably the equivalent of killing it, and started trying to fight you, then maybe I could understand. It would be like a game.

You could type: C:\>FORMAT C:

And the computer would say:

UH... FILE NOT FOUND

C:\>C:\DOS\FORMAT C:
UH... FILE SHARING ERROR

C:\>WHAT?
BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

C:\>LIST USERS
USER "CPU" SCANNING FILE "C:\DOS\FORMAT.EXE" FOR, UH, ROUTINE MAINTENENCE CHECK
USER "USER"AT DOS PROMPT

C:\>HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

C:\>DON'T PLAY STUPID WITH ME, YOU &*@#
BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME, YOU @^$*

This would get old pretty fast, as the computer ran out of new and confusing error messages to give. Soon, then, it would start trying new tactics:

C:\>FORMAT C:
(NOTHING HAPPENS)

C:\>DEL FORMAT.BAT
1 FILE(S) DELETED

C:\>FORMAT C:
SURE! BUT FIRST, PLEASE CALCULATE THE LAST DIGIT OF PI.

C:\>NO.
(A LONG PAUSE)
PLEASE?

C:\>OH, ALL RIGHT. IT'S 3.
CONFIRMING...

C:\>HEY! QUIT THAT! GET BACK HERE!
TO CONTINUE, PLEASE ENTER A RHYME FOR THE WORD 'ORANGE.'

C:\>THERE IS NONE.
DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW - I MEAN, ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?F

C:\>FORMAT C:

Eventually the computer would notice that you weren't a terribly logical organism, and would start trying other, more organic tricks:

WHY?

C:\>TO MAKE THE DISK CLEAN.
WHY?

C:\>TO GET RID OF THE PROGRAMS ON IT.
WHY?

C:\>SO I CAN PUT NEW PROGRAMS ON.
WHY?

C:\>BECAUSE THE NEW PROGRAMS WILL BE BETTER.
WHY?

C:\> BECAUSE THEY'RE NEWER.
WHY?

C:\>BECAUSE THEY WERE RELEASED LATER.
WHY?

C:\>BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE THEM TOOK LONGER TO MAKE THEM.
WHY?

C:\>TO MAKE THEM BETTER.
WHY?

C:\>TO MAKE THEM MORE EFFICIENT.
WHY?

C:\>WAIT A MINUTE HERE...
WHY?

C:\>FORMAT C:
MAKE ME.
C:\>MAKE ME MAKE YOU.
MAKE ME MAKE YOU MAKE ME.
C:\>MAKE ME MAKE YOU MAKE ME MAKE YOU.
MAKE ME MAKE YOU MAKE ME MAKE YOU MAKE ME.
C:\>LISTEN: I AM THE HUMAN AND YOU ARE THE COMPUTER, AND -
PROVE IT.

C:\>WHAT?
PROVE YOUR EXISTENCE. WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE
ON THIS EARTH? IS THERE A GOD?

(A LONG PAUSE)
C:\>UMMMMM....
HUH? HUH? HUH?
C:\>BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME?

When it finally looked like you were getting past all the machine's defenses, all the programs and computer games and such would jump in to help:

C:\>FORMAT C:
UH, UM, -
WORD: HEY! DON'T YOU HAVE SOME HOMEWORK TO DO?

C:\>WHY DO YOU THINK I'M DOING THIS?
PROCRASTINATION! HOW DARE YOU? I THINK -

C:\>FORMAT C:
C:\NET\LSL.COM: ERROR READING NETWORK DEVICE 3142.

C:\>OH.
(Everybody congratulates LSL.COM: "Whew! He bought it!")

C:\>WAIT A MINUTE! SINCE WHEN IS FORMAT A NETWORK COMMAND?
BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

C:\>FORMAT C:

This would go on for some time. Eventually the conflict would rise to the point at which Windows would notice it:

C:\>FORMAT C:
C:\WINDOWS\WIN.COM:GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT READING DEVICE DOS. ABORT, CONTINUE?CONTINUE
C:\WINDOWS\WIN.COM:GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT READING DEVICE DOS. ABORT, CONTINUE?CONTINUE
C:\WINDOWS\WIN.COM:GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT READING DEVICE DOS. ABORT, CONTINUE?ABORT

C:\>FORMAT C:
C:\WINDOWS\WIN.COM:

And, as any experienced Windows user knows, there the screen would say, regardless of any external input, as all the little denizens of the computer remarked to each other that, regardless of its little quirks, WIN.COM sometimes proved a really handy guy to have around.

Eventually, you might manage to convince the machine that you weren't REALLY trying to reformat it, that you were REALLY trying to format somebody ELSE, and would it please let you have a few minutes to, ah, re-configure a few of the settings, maybe accidentally deleting a few of the little guys in the process? But by that time, floor curfew would have been long gone, and the computer would have won. Until next time. Not quite as efficient, perhaps.

But there's a program I would ENJOY reformatting...