TTTTTTTT  HHH   HHH  EEEEEEEE     SSSSSSSS  CCCCCCCC  SSSSSSSS
        TTTTTTTT  HHH   HHH  EEEEEEEE     SSSSSSSS  CCCCCCCC  SSSSSSSS
           TT     HHH   HHH  EE           SS        CC        SS
           TT     HHHHHHHHH  EEEEE        SSSSSSSS  CC        SSSSSSSS
           TT     HHHHHHHHH  EEEEE        SSSSSSSS  CC        SSSSSSSS
           TT     HHH   HHH  EE                 SS  CC              SS
           TT     HHH   HHH  EEEEEEEE     SSSSSSSS  CCCCCCCC  SSSSSSSS
           TT     HHH   HHH  EEEEEEEE     SSSSSSSS  CCCCCCCC  SSSSSSSS


EEEEEEEE  NNN     NN  QQQQQQQQ  UU    UU  IIIIII  RRRRRRRR  EEEEEEEE  RRRRRRRR
EEEEEEEE  NNNN    NN  QQQQQQQQ  UU    UU  IIIIII  RRRRRRRR  EEEEEEEE  RRRRRRRR
EE        NN NN   NN  QQ    QQ  UU    UU    II    RR    RR  EE        RR    RR
EEEEE     NN NN   NN  QQ    QQ  UU    UU    II    RRRRRRRR  EEEEE     RRRRRRRR
EEEEE     NN  NN  NN  QQ    QQ  UU    UU    II    RRRRRRRR  EEEEE     RRRRRRRR
EE        NN  NN  NN  QQ    QQ  UU    UU    II    RR  RR    EE        RR  RR
EE        NN   NN NN  QQ  QQQQ  UU    UU    II    RR   RR   EE        RR   RR
EEEEEEEE  NN    NNNN  QQQQQQQQ  UUUUUUUU  IIIIII  RR    RR  EEEEEEEE  RR    RR
EEEEEEEE  NN    NNNN  QQQQQQQQ  UUUUUUUU  IIIIII  RR    RR  EEEEEEEE  RR    RR
                             QQ

All the news that fit the prints.

Friday, December 13, 1991

Harry Q. Bovik
Editor-In-Chief

Alan M. Turing
Managing Editor

MELLON MAKES WITHDRAWAL... After efforts to change its unflattering portrait in the "Guide to Living in Pittsburgh" failed, Mellon Bank decided to withdraw its name from the University. Fortunately, another corporate sponsor took its place, so next year the University will be known as Carnegie-Ikea University (the presence of the hyphen is unclear as of press time). The new corporate sponsor plans to fund the construction of the long-delayed student center in "easily assembled and stylish particle board."

SCS FEATURED ON "GERALDO"... The School of Computer Science entered the national spotlight today during a Geraldo Rivera special on cult marriages. During the show, Geraldo stated: "Our fact-finding team of reporters have uncoverred a shocking cult going on in Pittsburgh. Yes, the CMU SCS forces unsuspecting students to actually "marry" faculty members, some of them who already have MULTIPLE spouses!" After the taping of the show, Mr. Rivera was heard to say, "So, how do I apply there again?"

DEAN TURNS UP THE HEAT... SCS dean, Raj Reddy, reconsiders his funding policy for theory students - Vows to turn heat in offices back on.

At a surprise press conference, SCS associate dean Merrick Furst announced today that the new core requirements, in addition to including "Fahlman Units" will now also include "Salsman Units". He sai that this unit can be fulfilled by excessive posting of library files to the opinion bboard. He also stated that grandfathering will be more than fair due to the time-travel provisions. SCS students seemed dubious.

After Being Restored from Backup Tape,
EXPERT SYSTEM CLAIMS TO HAVE SEEN HEAVEN.

SOAR RESEARCHERS CLAIM INTELLIGENCE... In a recent press-release, SOAR researchers claimed to have achieved the intelligence level of a 1-year old child. After the initial confusion, a member of the SOAR group clarified that they were talking about the SOAR system and not the actual project members. While the general AI community was excited by the breakthrough, the SOAR group was actually less than excited. "It wakes us up at all hours of the night, never does what we want, and leaves a mess all over the disk" says one anonymous SOAR researcher.

PATTERN-RECOGNITION SYSTEM FINDS FACE OF JESUS IN SOVIET CORNFIELD.

SPONTANEOUS COMPUTER COMBUSTION... Student reports, "I was defending the Federation when I got a message from Scotty, the next thing I knew, my workstation was a pile of smoldering dust." Scientists are baffled.

SCS ENQUIRER COOKING CORNER... This week's submission comes to us from a Ms. Surfdog in Berkeley, CA.
EZ Microwave Alien

  1. Take a peppermint patty. Not the Peanuts character, the candy.
  2. Put it on a napkin in a microwave. If it is someone else's microwave, the napkin is optional.
  3. Microwave until the alien is hatched.
Serves Two

OH, I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS... Nico gives birth to two-headed baby on route to NSF, says one head will study theory, one PS. AI folk are outraged.

Advice is 28 Years Late:
EXPERT SYSTEM WARNS JFK: "DO NOT GO TO DALLAS".
Designer Admits, "We Shouldn't Have Used Lisp"

PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS... Our SCS Enquirer psychic staff have produced their versions of 1992:

  1. Wean hall elevators will reach escape volocity and put the first computer scientist in space.
  2. Pizza robot to learn nouvelle cuisine.
  3. AI researchers prove that theory doesn't exist.
  4. Searching AI students find Elvis.
  5. Due to extra publicity, "The Guide" makes NYT Bestseller list for 147 consecutive weeks.
  6. Merrick Furst is abducted by aliens. He is returned to Earth shortly thereafter due to attempts to restructure the alien society.
  7. Under hypnosis, Dave Touretzky admits to being a Piper Cub in a previous life.
  8. New qualifier system doesn't work as well as the old one. (Well, we wanted to make sure we got one right.)

Anyone in the SCS community that would like to make a submission for a future issue of the Enquirer can send mail to: enquirer@two-headed-baby.elvis.gossip.aliens
or call: 1-900-SEEN-ELVIS