The Definitive 170 Item List Of
How To Annoy Your Roommate

  1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
  2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
  3. Twitch a lot.
  4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
  5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
  6. Become a subgenius.
  7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
  8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
  9. Speak in tongues.
  10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything he/she owns to the ceiling.
  11. Walk and talk backwards.
  12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
  13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
  14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca") almost inaudibly.
  15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
  16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
  17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
  18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
  19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
  20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
  21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
  22. Eat glass.
  23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
  24. Smile. All the time.
  25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
  26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
  27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
  28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
  29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
  30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
  31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
  32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
  33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
  34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
  35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
  36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
  37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
  38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
  39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
  40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
  41. Shave one eyebrow.
  42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
  43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
  44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
  45. Always flush the toilet three times.
  46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
  47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
  48. Give him/her an allowance.
  49. Listen to radio static.
  50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
  51. Cry a lot.
  52. Send secret admirer notes from your roommate's e-mail account.
  53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
  54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
  55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
  56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
  57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
  58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
  59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
  60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
  61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
  62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
  63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
  64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
  65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
  66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
  67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
  68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
  69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
  70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
  71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
  72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
  73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
  74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
  75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
  76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
  77. Skip to the bathroom.
  78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
  79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
  80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
  81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them.
  82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes then call whoever it was back.
  83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
  84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God or Damnit.
  85. Burn incense.
  86. Eat moths.
  87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
  88. Collect Chia-Pets.
  89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
  90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
  91. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
  92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
  93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
  94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
  95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.
  96. Don't ever flush.
  97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
  98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
  99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
  100. Dress in drag.
  101. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
  102. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door screaming, "Let me in. Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
  103. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
  104. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
  105. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
  106. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music; Bob has a headache.
  107. Start a brothel.
  108. Constantly slip and fall -- on your carpet.
  109. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure he/she follows it.
  110. Invite the Dean to sleepover.
  111. Invite the school President to sleepover.
  112. Invite your roommate to sleepover.
  113. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
  114. Walk into walls.
  115. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
  116. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
  117. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
  118. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."
  119. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until he/she comes out.
  120. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby.
  121. Scratch yourself and others. Stop when you draw blood.
  122. Play violent games with imaginary friends.
  123. Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.
  124. Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.
  125. Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room.
  126. Worship the professor and Marianne.
  127. Hang your roommate in effigy.
  128. Never allow your roommate's head to be below yours.
  129. Pretend your arms and legs have been amputated. Insist that you "cannot wipe."
  130. Speak at length about your lust for Pippi Longstocking as your roommate tries to fall asleep.
  131. Sit in the room all weekend rubbing a baseball bat. When your roommate enters the room, close your eyes and rub as fast as you can.
  132. Complain vehemently that pedophilia legislation is 'too restrictive.'
  133. Find out your roommate's mother's name. Tatoo it on your inner thigh, then claim 'She made me do it!
  134. When your roommate has been awake for several minutes, run up to him/her screaming 'Rashes! Rashes!' as loud as you can. Repeat during classes.
  135. Light your hair on fire. Refuse to put it out.
  136. Keep a harem of thirty Cabbage Patch Kids. Ask if your roommate 'has any desires.'
  137. While your roommate sleeps, insert straws into his/her nose. If s/he removes them, administer CPR.
  138. Repeat everything your roommate says, but without the consonants.
  139. When your roommate enters the room, chain yourself to the bed and make beckoning gestures. Look demure.
  140. Go through his/her books highlighting all instances of the words 'death' and 'children.' Insist that he study them.
  141. Go through medical supply catalogs circling all electric drill and suction devices. Leave them (the catalogs, not the devices) lying around.
  142. Administer last rites as s/he sleeps.
  143. Quote Bob Barker at length.
  144. Wear decoder rings. Insist that s/he kiss them.
  145. Wear a hard hat at all times. Remove it when your roommate enters the room and dive under the bed.
  146. Pretend to administer electro-schock therapy as s/he studies.
  147. Whenever s/he has friends over, complain loudly about his/her hygiene. Be graphic.
  148. Paint targets on the back of all his/her shirts. Buy a crossbow.
  149. When you write, use the wrong end of the pen. Ask him/her why it doesn't work.
  150. Remove the shelves from the refrigerator. Sit inside, moaning periodically.
  151. Leave urgent telephone messages for him/her when no-one has called.
  152. Give unsolicited sensual massage at least once daily.
  153. Go for joy-rides in the washing machine.
  154. Pack your roommate's clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before s/he wakes up.
  155. Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it.
  156. Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.
  157. Carry an electric fan at all times. Speak into it.
  158. Follow your roommate around all day whispering "I can reach where you can't."
  159. Write on your arms and legs with coarse sandpaper.
  160. Nail meat to the walls. Bacon is best.
  161. Try to eat your own ear.
  162. Lie spread-eagled on your roommate's bed. Make him/her move you.
  163. Chase your roommate with a bloody toothbrush. Tell him/her "It only hurts for a little while."
  164. Lick his/her feet as he sleeps. If s/he wakes up, apologize. After s/he falls asleep, start licking his/her face.
  165. Call him/her Mommy.
  166. Collect cow tongues. Paint them. Nail them up next to the bacon.
  167. Invite your roommate's parents to a 'surprise' party for your roommate. When they get there, stone them.
  168. Buy a gerbil. Go into your room and close the door. Hide the gerbil in the closet, and then giggle and squirm uncontrollably for the rest of the day.
  169. Put tapes/CDs in the stereo and listen to them with the volume off. Replace them regularly. Tell your roommate to be quiet so you can hear.
  170. Stand behind him/her while he brushes his teeth. When s/he takes the brush out of his/her mouth, force it back in.