Lalitesh's Joke Page, He He

Reality Bites - These are real happenings

The following is an actual radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval Operations on 10 October 1995:

NAVY: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. 
CIVILIAN: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision. 

NAVY: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CIVILIAN: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. 

NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! 
CIVILIAN: This is a lighthouse. It's your call. 

History of Aviation & the value of ignorance

This story was clipped from Darwin awards, which people get for doing something incredible (stupid?). True story. This story demonstrates the value of ignorance and balls in pushing the limits of whats possible...

Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that criss-crossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.

Then one day, Larry had an idea. He went down to the local Army-Navy surplus store and bought forty-five weather balloons, and several tanks of helium. These were not your brightly coloured party balloons, these were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your back yard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep, and inflated the balloons with helium.

Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks, and a loaded BB gun, figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float into the sky, and eventually back to terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that way. When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he finally levelled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying. So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss about how to get down.

Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet, with a gun in his lap.. . now there's a conversation I would have given anything to have heard! LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him, but the rescue team had a hard time getting to him because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his home-made contraption farther and farther away. Eventually, they were able to hover above him and drop a rescue line, with which they gradually hauled him back to safety. As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was led away in handcuffs, a television reporter called out, "Sir, why'd you do it?" Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around!"

Do experts make correct predictions?

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." 
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 

"But what ... is it good for?" 
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, 
commenting on the microchip. 

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." 
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered 
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." 
--Western Union internal memo, 1876. 

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would 
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" 
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the
radio in the 1920s. 

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better 
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." 
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper
proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found
Federal Express Corp.) 

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. 

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and 
not Gary Cooper." 
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say 
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. 

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." 
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. 

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." 
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. 

" If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. 
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 
3-M "Post-It" Notepads. 

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built 
with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? 
Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll 
come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, 
and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" 
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and 
H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction 
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. 
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary 
rocket work. 

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of 
your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to 
accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of 
weight training." 
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by 
inventing Nautilus. 

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? 
you're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill 
for oil in 1859. 

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." 
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. 

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." 
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. 

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". 
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872. 

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the 
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed 
Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. 

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981 

Jokes from near and afar

THE NEW PRIEST
 
 A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
 After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor
 replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
 glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I
 take a sip."  So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.  At the
 beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded
 to talk up a storm.  Upon return to his office after mass, he found the
 following note on his door:

            1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
            2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
            3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
            4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
            5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
            6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
            7.  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to asDaddy,
                Junior, and Spook.
            8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
            9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,don't
                say he was stoned off his ass.
            10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
            11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take
                this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
            12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
                Cherry".
            13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
                thanks for the grub, yeah God"
            14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
                Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A Poem Written by an African Shakespeare: Dear white fella Couple things you should know:

When I born, I black 
When I grow up, I black 
When I go in sun, I black 
When I cold, I black 
When I scared, I black 
When I sick, I black And 
when I die, I still black. 

You white fella 
When you born, you pink 
When you grow up, you white 
When you go in sun, you red 
When you cold, you blue 
When you scared, you yellow 
When you sick, you green And
when you die, you grey. 

And you have the cheek to call me colored?????
:-) 

College Life

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."