Top "Ten" Phrases-I-Don't-Want-To-Hear

Compiled by The Usual Suspects on 13 Mar 1997.

Note: this page is a draft, and is not linked anywhere yet. (Pending comments from people named in it, who will be made generic on request.)

  1. ... lost his penis during an attempted cauterizing repair. It was ``accidentally burned to ablation,'' the report said.
  2. 10. If I tell you something, do you promise you won't get mad?
  3. 9. I am in love with your best friend, darling.
  4. 8. Can we just be friends?
  5. 8. I always want us to be friends.
  6. 6. You have a great personality
  7. 7. Remember that jar of rancid fat we had in the kitchen?
  8. 5. She has a great personality.
  9. 4. She is a nice person.
  10. 3. She will be good for you.
  11. 2. I am pregnant.
  12. 2. This will build character.
  13. 1. No.
  14. 1. Bend over and say "hurt me".
  15. 0. I thought *you* were doing the backups.
  16. 0. I'm sorry, we're all out of that.
  17. -1. Please hold.
  18. -2. Press 1 if you have a touch-tone phone.
  19. -2. Press 8 if you have a touch tone phone.
  20. -2. waddayamean, we've been the test site for a netscape security bug exploitation?
  21. -3. Great -- we got that on the zephyr log.
  22. -3. You'll need to make an appointment with Student Health.
  23. -4. This won't hurt a bit.
  24. -5. this is gonna hurt.
  25. -6. I welcome meetings with students.
  26. -7. What is that blotch on your skin?
  27. -8. it's for your own good.
  28. -9. Here's your new pager!
  29. -10. You were in a terrible car wreck. The only way to save you was to surgically attach you to andrej.
  30. -11: it's for the _children_.
  31. -12. WHY THE FUCK IS THIS ON GRAFFITI?
  32. -13 Because the originator's a fucking coward, that's why
  33. -12: but I just want to date you and other guys.
  34. -14 Raj wants to talk to you about your opinion bboard post.
  35. -14. Your job is to ensure compliance with ISO 9000
  36. -16. Could you help me grade the homeworks?
  37. -17. Now, how can we get synergy?
  38. -18. We're hiring a TQM consultant.
  39. -19. This assignment only took the TAs 14 hours.
  40. -19 Did you see the latest mail from Jim?
  41. -20. This group is moving to NT
  42. -21. Let's have a meeting
  43. -22. you're being "downsized".
  44. -23. Let us bow our heads and pray.
  45. -25. the beer's already run out the TG.
  46. -26. I haven't written the answers, but the exam should be pretty easy.
  47. -26. What TG?
  48. -26 Did you see the new ARPA solicitation in genetic algorithms
  49. -27. We're having pizza for lunch
  50. -28 there's no pizza for lunch
  51. -28. SUNNY. HIGH 65-75
  52. -28. Who are the nice tenured faculty in systems?
  53. -29. what does the phrase mean, "accidental sexual re-assignment surgery"?
  54. -30. Your hairdo sucks
  55. -30 It is just a temporary office reassignment.
  56. -30. I'll buy you a nice new Mach workstation.
  57. -31 You'll enjoy sharing an office with Corey.
  58. -32. Here, *you* write the ARPA deliverables section.
  59. -33 You look so much _better_ with that hairdo
  60. -33 The course plan is great, but you need to teach in ML.
  61. -34. We've done the design, all you have to do is write the code.
  62. -34 You're much smarter than you look.
  63. -34. You didn't eat *those* hot-dogs, did you?
  64. -35. Well _I_ thought your SDI talk went very well
  65. -36. Sree has agreed to serve lunch out of your office.
  66. -35. Hey, I thought you graduated years ago.
  67. -35 We're looking for volunteers for sleeping bag weekend.
  68. -34a. You're smarter than you look. Or act. Or our best testing indicates.
  69. -36. Will you propose soon?
  70. -40. cracked engine block
  71. -37. Will you propose to me soon?
  72. -37. I need a committment.
  73. -38. I'm nowin senior management - what have you been up to since college?
  74. -37. The faculty have reviewed your progress and decideed that you are a loser.
  75. -41 You are being committed.
  76. -42. incurable brain tumor
  77. -43: More transmission fluid won't solve the problem.
  78. -44 Remember when I told you to take condoms to Thailand?
  79. -44: Daddy, I have to go potty
  80. -45 Daddy, I went to potty in my pants.
  81. -46. Daddy, is this the same Raj you said was a jerk?
  82. -47. dammit, i *told* you that the FAA had grounded these plans pending improved aileron struts.
  83. -48 The flight will only be slightly delayed.
  84. -49. Oh, sorry. I meant the little *red* switch.
  85. -50. World chocolate shortage
  86. -50. did i say "turn right"? sorry, i meant "turn left".
  87. -51 You thought he was a female? Hahahahahaha.
  88. -52. You did take the natural log, didn't you
  89. -51. We just drank the last cup.
  90. -53. Oh, the answer is trivial.
  91. -54. I think it would be good to turn your paper into a journal article.
  92. -55. But, you're naked.
  93. -56. all that's open today is the wean wok.
  94. -56. Your paper has been rejected
  95. -55 Oh, the answer is non-trivial.
  96. -58. oh, the answer is trivial.
  97. -57. How would you like to advise a few talented freshmen?
  98. -59. GSO is taking care of the problem
  99. -60. Why don't you found a startup?
  100. -60. You have the right to remain silent.
  101. -62. NOTICE: YOUR TAX RETURN IS OVERDUE.
  102. -62.1. At Microsoft, we value your individuality.
  103. -64. That's not my penis
  104. -63: Sorry. System error -11.
  105. -65: Welcome to the Hub.
  106. -66. Have a nice day.
  107. -67. Segmentation violation -- core dumped.
  108. -66. You paid how much for that?
  109. -64. Segmentation violation (core dumped)
  110. -68. Not a typewriter.
  111. -69. Welcome to PSC.
  112. -70. Welcome to WillowSprings
  113. -70. Well, we have a little problem with you application.
  114. -71. Newsgroup alt.binaries.pictures.erotica does not exist.
  115. -72. that's not possible.
  116. -73. You'd eat it if you loved me
  117. -74. You'll be implementing your system in C++.
  118. -73. I was reading your thesis, and I wonder, have you read ....
  119. -75. No news is good news.
  120. -74. We've explored all the alternatives.
  121. Hasn't all this (thesis defense work) all been already extensively explored by ...
  122. -76: Thesis: no such file or directory
  123. -77. The steam room door unlocks only once every twenty minutes
  124. -73. Every year, we get a large number of qualified applicants ...
  125. -78. Is your code publically available?
  126. -78: emacs: Command not found
  127. -79. Doug who?
  128. -80. MAKE MONEY FAST
  129. -81. Gary Miller is looking forward to your thesis defense.
  130. -82. I'm trying to port your code.
  131. -80. but it just boils down to a uniform distribution!
  132. -83. Gary Miller wants you to found a startup.
  133. -84. that one is no longer available.
  134. -86. How do you spell Jones?
  135. -85. My nephew is in computers too.
  136. -85. Hi, I'm your friendly paperclip!
  137. -87. Can you help me with my word processor?
  138. -89 How is the diet going?
  139. -90 how is wuitting smoking going?
  140. -90. Oh, you're on a diet?
  141. 91. I forgot to mention last night that I have a yeast infection.
  142. -90 How is the thesis going?
  143. -88. You looked much better with the beard.
  144. -92. "The parameter is incorrect."
  145. -92. How is the tenure case going?
  146. -91 You're looking good, for someone your age
  147. -93: I was *wondering* what happened to you!
  148. -94. Incorrect password.
  149. 93. I thought you were HIV positive too.
  150. -94: It only runs on Mach,
  151. -95. After you, sir
  152. -96. Not a bad answer, for a girl
  153. -96: After you, ma'am
  154. -96 well it doesn't crash on my machine
  155. -97 Et tu, Brutus.
  156. -97 What version of Windows are you running?
  157. -98. 100% packet lsos
  158. -99 (to a native speaker) Where did you learn to speak so well?
  159. (after meeting Dr Spector at Satya's tenure party): Jody: Oh, so *you're* "Big Al".
  160. -100. Oh - I thought you were canadian
  161. -101. Your visa has expired, sir
  162. -102. Do you speak Indian?
  163. -102. We need you to fly to Memphis tomorrow.
  164. -103. We can't give out any taxation information, you'll have to call this number
  165. -104. I know Slovenia is the capital of Russia.
  166. -105. Could you open your suitcase, sir?
  167. -105. What religion are you?
  168. 107. You bought the extended warranty, right?
  169. -108. Is there a pilot on board?
  170. -109. Just get off on the second last stop.
  171. -109. You remind me of my last boyfriend.
  172. -110. No, I don't have any insurance.
  173. -111. Can I watch?
  174. -112. It's on the right, you can't miss it.
  175. -113. You will have to lift your arm higher or we can't take the x ray.
  176. -114. The zephyr archives are down.
  177. -113. The editor of the Tartan asked you to call him back.
  178. -114. Some undergraduates were looking for you.
  179. -115. Sharon's not feeling very well.
  180. -116. Your thesis topic's been scooped
  181. -116. oh the thought of two girls together is such a turn-on
  182. -117. Are you gay?
  183. -118. What size are your breasts?
  184. (How come there aren't cup sizes for testicles?)
  185. 120. No means no.
  186. -121. How tall are you?
  187. -117. Something went wrong with your direct deposit.
  188. -122. Was that your toyota out front?
  189. -121 Gravity has its effect over the years.
  190. 123. You're in computer science, how do I get Word to do ...
  191. -123. Good afternoon, Mr. Clay-man? I'm calling from MCI Long Distance?
  192. 123. How the hell you gonna please me with THAT?
  193. -124. Wait, wait!
  194. -125 Is this your first Chlamydia test?
  195. -125. Good afternoon, Mr. Cheng? I'm calling from MCI Long Distance?
  196. -126. I know I had some condoms around here somewhere
  197. -127. We have a warrant for your arrest.
  198. 126. I'm a little bit late this month, but no worry.
  199. -128. We have noticed unusual charging activity ...
  200. -129. I'm calling back from Blue Cross. Please keep in mind that this call IS being monitored for quality.
  201. -130. YOu haven't read Lord of the Rings - are you mental?
  202. -131. I haven't read Lord of the Rings.
  203. -132. Come sit on daddy's lap, JonBenet
  204. -131 I'm a member of Mensa.
  205. -133 I'm tenured faculty
  206. -134. The Scientologists are unhappy about your web page
  207. -134 We're abolishing tenure.
  208. -135. Let me tell you about peculiarities of my native language.
  209. -135. He's alread tenured.
  210. -136. It's in the rules
  211. -137. You were just 2 miles short of a free concorde flight - better luck next year
  212. -137. I *swear* by "The Rules".
  213. -138. It's not clear to me.
  214. -138. My aunt went to Australia
  215. -139. Wanna see my tattoo?
  216. -140. So when are you going to meet a nice girl?
  217. -140. I hear Jeanette forced dkindred to produce a special set of zephyr stats for Black Friday.
  218. -141. Have you been to mass?
  219. -142 My biological time clock is running out.
  220. -143. We want to tell you something son: you're adopted.
  221. -143 so when are you going to finish your PhD?
  222. -144 Can I be frank?
  223. -144. U2 concert - sold out
  224. -146. You're really not cut out for research - are you?
  225. -147. U2 tickets? You told me to get George Michael tickets!
  226. -147. Would you like a free cat?
  227. -148. You just need to believe in yourself.
  228. -149 Wow, a faculty member made the top ten list.
  229. -150. OK - Group hug!
  230. -151. Scalability, scalability, scalability
  231. -152. Can I run it under Windows?
  232. -153. I just can't seem to gain weight.
  233. -152. Is it PC-compatible
  234. -154. No really, yours is really nice. My last boyfriend's was much bigger, and it really hurt me.
  235. -155 Raj just added a foreign language requirement for the PhD program.
  236. -155. i think your painting/drawing/artwork is very nice.
  237. 156. What the fuck are you looking at?
  238. -156. That's SOOOOO cute.
  239. -157. I hear one of your students if filing a sexual harassement complaint
  240. -157. So did you learn English after you came here?
  241. -159. Say something in Gaelic
  242. -158 Can I bring my girlfriend?
  243. -159. Can I bring your girlfriend?
  244. -160. I love you like a brother.
  245. -160. I love you for your mind, not your body.
  246. -161. WOuldn't you rather wait until we're married?
  247. 162: You're a fucking lowlife jerk.
  248. -163. We just heard there's a tsunami warning.
  249. -165 Why did you become a vegetarian?
  250. -164. <Southern Accent>Is this your crock o' shit broken down on mah highway?</SA>
  251. 164. I'm going back to my old boyfriend.
  252. -165. New Zealand? Where's that?
  253. -167. Would your little Jimmy like to fly with me in my private jet to Neverland Ranch this weekend?
  254. -166. Thanks to our relationship, I know understand that I am a lesbian.
  255. -168. I'm a teetotaler
  256. -169. Boy - I'll bet your glad you can't remember what you did at that party last night
  257. -169. What do you people *do* in bed?
  258. -170. I don't watch TV
  259. -170. Dr Tygar's cloning was a complete success
  260. 170. Go fuck yourself, college boy.
  261. -171. The road reopening is being delayed a few more months.
  262. -170. The country you are calling is currently unavailable.
  263. -174 Your new boss is named Marty Rimm.
  264. -171. You don't have TV??!!
  265. -175. Did you read Kosak's post about you on discussion?
  266. -172. Why wouldn't you like to try this no-risk subscription to the Pittsburgh Post Gazette
  267. 176. Is it hot enough for you?
  268. -177. I'm so glad that I finally escaped from Pittsburgh.
  269. -178. Milk? for your tea? Certainly - here's some half & half
  270. -178. All representatives are currently busy.
  271. -180. I assume you gave Corey that picture of yourself on the CMU "backdoor" page?
  272. -179. You have 673 messages.
  273. -170. Machine check 0x670
  274. -181. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
  275. 181: Officer: How many drinks have you had tonight?
  276. -182. Your call cannot be completed becuase all circuits are busy. Please try back again later
  277. -183. We need to talk.
  278. 183. Going to Portland? Hope you like rain...
  279. -184. Don't you like this sweater I knitted for you?
  280. -185. You maintain LIS, right?
  281. 0x11111111. what? this top-ten rant is going to run another couple of _second_ !?!
  282. -186. You are so attractive...you really should meet this friend of mine.
  283. 187. "It's a small world after all."
  284. -186. You speak vely good Japanese.
  285. 188: You're our local framemaker expert, right?
  286. -190 Wow, the Dow really dropped today.
  287. -191 Why do you call soccer football?
  288. -191. I'm sorry, that broker is no longer with us. He's been indicted.
  289. 192: Time for your proctology exam...
  290. -193: I am looking for some two-dimensional mesh generator and it seems to me that your TRIANGLE is for me the best solution. Unfortunately, I don't know how to install it on computer. My knowledge of C-language is in practice at zero level. If it is possible to send me basic info how to translate your C-sources to executable code I would appreciate it very much. I have access to Pentium under Windows 95 (probably with Borland C), as a user (not root) to mainframe IBM RISC 6000 with AIX Version 3.2, resp. 3.2.5.
  291. -192 The deadline's been extended
  292. -195 I'm really into enemas.
  293. -194 Someone already cubed that.
  294. 195. Wass up brah? You big haole dude come for steal our land yeah?
  295. -196. Connection timed out.
  296. -197 I faked all those.
  297. -198 I installed a new kernel on your machine
  298. -199. Why don't you get your advisor to buy you a better machine
  299. -200. (with disgust) Don't you know that you're eating something that used to be a live animal?
  300. -201. Here's a nickel, kid.
  301. -202 I can see the wheels turning in your head.
  302. -203. How many classes do you teach?
  303. -204. You only teach one course?
  304. -205. The faculty thinks you should defend next semester.
  305. -206. The faculty thinks you should defended last semester.
  306. -206. Whay don't you use Java? - everyone else does
  307. -208. You should be happy you haven't lost as much hair as I have.
  308. -209. Same ol' Doug.
  309. -210. Remember, February is a short month.
  310. -211 How many CDs do you own?
  311. -212 Have you listened to them all?
  312. -213. <n> words: <n words>
  313. -214. Permission denied.
  314. -215. No, you can't control the stereo
  315. -215. Corey's logging all these, right?
  316. -212 is an underestimate; there've been a lot of reused numbers.
  317. -220. My mother really likes you.
  318. -216. Oh, you're THAT Doug.
  319. -217. Mr. Simpson, here's your golf partner for today.
  320. -217. I must have sent it to the other Bridget.
  321. -217 So what do you do besides zephyr?
  322. -217. What's your N?
  323. -218. Get a better username
  324. 218: If I was your height, I could dunk a basketball easily.
  325. -221 I can always recognize that laugh.
  326. -221. How do you spell your last name?
  327. -222. But I love both of you!
  328. -223. Oops.
  329. -223. Sorry, wrong number
  330. -224. Sorry Sir, I can't find any reservation for a Flattery.
  331. -224. hello, Mrs. Kennedy?
  332. -225. Richard Spritznasal? How do you spell that?
  333. -225. Can I talk to Justine Tygar?
  334. -226. You just missed it.
  335. -227. Man you dance weird
  336. -228. So why'd you pick "bumba"?
  337. -228 Why do you walk funny?
  338. -288. Hahaha - you thought I was interested in you?!
  339. -228. Did you mean to send that to broadcast zephyr?
  340. -229. File system full.
  341. -230. cannot stat .
  342. -230. Of course I'd never go out with you - silly
  343. -231. Oh, yeah, you have the thing we don't have a name for yet.
  344. -232 She already has a boyfriend.
  345. -233. Wow - are you Australian?
  346. -234. So you're the new man of the house.
  347. -233. It's penicillin resistant, so you'll have to take these.
  348. -236. I could have sworn I threw out those oranges last December..
  349. -235. Is it in yet?
  350. -236 Oh, I'm an excellent matchmaker. And I'll be looking for someone for you!
  351. -237. Cannot load imported graphic /usr/local/lib/frame/contrib/lib/graphics/cmulogo_b2w.ps
  352. -238. Hi, I've got a homework project and I thought you could help me.
  353. -238. Two years isn't that long, and email is free.
  354. -240. Weren't those due last week?
  355. -241. Lemme see ... a Ph.D. is three years, right?
  356. -241 My PC won't boot, can you help me?
  357. -242. Oh, MIT, you must know <schmuck you've never heard of>, right?
  358. -242. can't computers already play music?
  359. -242. I don't know what you two see in each other
  360. -242.b Oh, Irish, do you know....
  361. -245 Tell me what you are thinking right now?
  362. -246. Remember me?
  363. -242.c. MIT? What state is that in?
  364. -247. You look just like your sister!
  365. -247. Harvey _Mud_?
  366. -247 Boston, huh? Did you go to MIT?
  367. -247.b. You look just like your mother!
  368. -249. excuse me, sir.
  369. -247.c. You look just like my mother
  370. -250. Hi, I saw your web page, and
  371. -250. Sorry Sir - no blue jeans
  372. -250. CMU? What's that -- Central Methodist University?
  373. -253. If you really loved me...
  374. -254 What's that hair sticking out of your fly zipper?
  375. -254. as in WATERmelon?
  376. -255. But it sounds so much _better_ on vinyl
  377. -258. You like kids, right?
  378. -256. Psst - your fly's undone
  379. -259. so this rope walked into a bar...
  380. -259 We have a long tradition of doing it THAT way.
  381. -257. (staring at chest) Yeah, wear that dress.
  382. -260 Suit and tie required.
  383. -261. Have you graded the midterms yet?
  384. -260. No - I won't wear thigh highs and a whip
  385. -262 May I see some ID?
  386. -262. Professor, I think I deserve a higher grade on...
  387. -263. That's okay, I don't need to see your ID.
  388. -264. Oh, you should have told me you were allergic
  389. -263 Are you a real doctor?
  390. -265. Can'you see I'm busy?
  391. -265. There's no cheese in it, just milk (or vice versa)
  392. -266: Can I borrow your hanky
  393. -268. [any joke about Lent]
  394. -267: Let me explain baseball to you.
  395. -269. oh, I read Star Trek.
  396. -270. Repent! WWW Confession Booth.
  397. -271. What's your favourite ST:TNG episode
  398. -272. Don't you have something better to do?
  399. -273. You live in THIS neighbourhood?
  400. -274. Third Rock from the Sun has been cancelled
  401. -275. Sorry, we close at 11.
  402. -276. I do a really good impression of DeNiro as a grocer - lemmie show you
  403. -276. Oh, I didn't think you wanted it.
  404. -277. good gawd, don't you people do anything else but send zephyrs?
  405. -278. Where's a good Chinese buffet?
  406. -278 Where did you learn how to use chop sticks?
  407. -279. oh, I've heard of that.
  408. -279. Ok, I want General <whatever local general name is>'s chicken.
  409. -280. Is it ok if I bring along some friends?
  410. -281. Watch where you step, the cat hasn't been well today
  411. -282. do you know what CTS is?
  412. -282. I'm probably not contagious.
  413. -282 I can't understand why he is doing that -- he is usually very well behaved. DOWN BOY!
  414. -283. That water was for washing your hands.
  415. -284. It's not very spicy - go on - eat it - it's good for you
  416. -285. I've been practicing it more since last time.
  417. -285 It only has a little bit of meat in it for flavor.
  418. -287. Chicken isn't meat, right?
  419. -286. That'll be $256.72 cents sir - No. We don't accept credit cards - American Express or Cash only
  420. -286. <Friends conversing in unintelligible Chinese while staring at you> "Oh, nothing."
  421. -287 gaijin
  422. -287.b. gringo
  423. -288. You've been mispronouncing my name for the last 3 years
  424. -288.b. (wincing) Close enough
  425. -289. What does your name mean?
  426. -290. (sign on door to room) I think I picked up all the broken glass, but be careful. oh - the cat is not hurt.
  427. -291 Why in God's name are you studying Japanese?
  428. -292. Say something in Japanese for me!
  429. -292 Oh, it must be because you want a Japanese wife.
  430. -293. Can I play you a song?
  431. -294. You should learn Chinese.
  432. -293. I met a very nice Chinese student here who reminds me of you, I think you two would get along.
  433. -295. My parents just seem mean.
  434. -293. Oh, you're learning German. Undwiederblurkmumbleboooph...
  435. -296. He hardly ever bites company.
  436. 297. Your mother-in-law is coming to stay for 6 weeks again
  437. -296. My therapist told me you were a bad influence
  438. -298 I love you. You don't have to say you love me though.
  439. -298. It's making strange noises, maybe you should take a look.
  440. -299 Oh, Doug, he's so harmless.
  441. 300. You've got nothing to do today, right?
  442. -300 Have you ever tried fried chicken knuckle dim sum?
  443. -301. There's only Bud.
  444. -302 I've appointed you to a special committee.
  445. 302. permission denied.
  446. -303. BZZT! Duplicate.
  447. -304. BZZT! Duplicate.
  448. -304. Thank you for playing!
  449. -304 Tiger? Hahahahaha. No, really, what's your name?
  450. -305. You could be a winner!
  451. -305. Let's do it all in Java.
  452. -306. cash value 1/50 cent.
  453. -306. claims that 302 < -214.
  454. -307. hairy, but usable.
  455. does when we're counting down
  456. -307. It was so much better in the old days
  457. -308. Are you Mormon or something?
  458. -310. Is that like witchcraft?
  459. -310. /* not sure why this works */
  460. -311. it'll be about fifteen minutes for a table.
  461. -311. You'll have to work through your issues with your parents eventually.
  462. -311. Hey, don't be offended, many of my friends are
  463. -312 /* XXX TMP */
  464. -314 It's better than MMDF.
  465. -314. Have you ever considered getting your hair styled?
  466. -316. /* ASSERT(i > 0); -- took this out because it didn't work */
  467. -316. <long description of friend's killer vapor-app>, wouldn't you like to help code a little of it?
  468. -317. I'm now zephyring from a beach in Hawaii
  469. -318. You mean I was zwriting publicly?
  470. -319. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
  471. -319. Look, your junior high yearbook is on the web
  472. -320. You like guys, don't you? It's ok - you can tell me.
  473. -321. You keep saying you're straight, but I don't believe it
  474. -322. Login incorrect
  475. -322. Hey, we must be related!
  476. -322. our fund-raising drive is coming up.
  477. -324. So who wants to make the [web page, bot, ...]
  478. -325. "O.J."
  479. -326. "surf"
  480. -326. I think you'll like it, it's your kind of (movie, book, ...)
  481. -327. cyber-
  482. -328 paradigm.
  483. -329. did you think you had this seat?
  484. -330. Oh, I thought of that years ago.
  485. -331. Is there someone sitting there?
  486. -332. Been there, done that.
  487. -333. Last call, gentlemen.
  488. -333. How clever of you to have come up with that independently.
  489. -333 I already said I'm sorry, what more do you want?
  490. -332.b. bought the t-shirt.
  491. -335. Why didn't you write it in C++?
  492. -336. Haven't you hurt her enough already?
  493. -336. why did you write it in C++?
  494. -338 That's only 3 lines in PERL.
  495. -337. Wouldn't it be better to elope?
  496. -339 I've been talking to my lawyer, and ....
  497. -340. Well - I was hoping for a diamond....
  498. -339. Oh, so you write programs in Pascal and stuff?
  499. -341. The news servers are hosed again.
  500. -343 Well, it seems that we're having a problem with one of your students.
  501. -344. You're saying I'M your advisor? Hmmm...
  502. -347. My project is getting really sick of funding your students.
  503. -348. Bzzt, duplicate
  504. -348 Systems is overbuilt at this school.
  505. -349. Name some Irish foods for me
  506. -350 You have something on your mustache.
  507. -351. You have something on your upper lip. Oh, it's a moustache.
  508. -352. I'm growing a mustache
  509. -353 I didn't read that book, but I saw the movie
  510. > -348. Bzzt, duplicate BZZZT, duplicate..
  511. -354 I didn't read that book, but I heard the book on tape
  512. goto 10
  513. -355. Traditionally, the fish head is for the guest of honor
  514. -356. You must have a small penis
  515. -357. Shave that thing! It tickles!
  516. -358. Do you trust me?
  517. -358. P.G. Wodehouse? Is that, like, Science Fiction?
  518. -360. To be, or not to be.
  519. -361. Needs fixed.
  520. -362 The final frontier.
  521. -363. The truth will come out.
  522. -364. Knock Knock...
  523. -365. Good news! We'll be replacing all the plumbing in the apartment building this month.
  524. -364 Hey, the recycling box is right over there!
  525. -364. We hired William Shatner to give the commencement speech.
  526. -364: I have good news and bad news
  527. -366 The only thing I want in life is to have your baby.
  528. -366. Can I interest you in our store credit card.
  529. -367 Gee, I thought you were a foreigner.
  530. -368. You don't *look* Indian to me.
  531. -369. This modem is the newest thing - it does the compression in software - it's a huge breakthrough
  532. -368 You grew up in San Francisco? We visited there ten years ago.
  533. -369. You went to U.C. Berkeley? Isn't that where the Naked Guy went to school?
  534. -371. You're Canadian? Hey, do your know Bob McDonald up in Halifax?
  535. -371 Boy! My daughter's pregnant! What are you going to do about it!
  536. -372. Dance, white boy!
  537. -372 So what's your opinion on this year 2000 thing?
  538. -373 Do you work in software or hardware?
  539. -373a. Do you know Graphics?
  540. -374. I'm a frayed knot
  541. -375. I haven't slept for two days. What was it you wanted me to do again?
  542. -375. Did you see what your former girlfriend just put on the web about you?
  543. -375. Everything looks so much more colorful when I drink.
  544. -377. /**** Take this out before we release it */
  545. -378. We've got Smashing Pumpkins, Whitney Houston, and Billy Ray Cyrus coming up right after the break!
  546. -379 Please list all residences you have lived in for the last twenty-five years.
  547. -380 Is this your first lie detector test?
  548. -381. #ifdef MAC
  549. -383. Please list every single textbook you used during your undergraduate career.
  550. -381 You'll need to come in for a visa interview
  551. -384. Have any of your relatives been to MIT?
  552. -385. [English Teacher] Slattery - 35 is not a very good mark for an essay, is it?
  553. -386. Carnegie Melon? Never heard of it.
  554. -387. Dear Professor: I am a student at Beijing University and I would like to come and earn my PhD under you.
  555. -388 Wow, this top-ten thread had more than 388 entries. Who was the idiot who started it?
  556. -389. /* Revision 0.0 82/06/14 */
  557. Re -387: Funny, I only get email from people looking for PostDocs.
  558. -390. "womyn"
  559. -385. My God, you've put on weight
  560. -389: Dear Mr. Narayanan, I am a senior student at Pocono Mountain High School. I would like to know more about Carnegie Mellon University.
  561. -386. Are you anorexic?
  562. -390 Most guys only want to have fun, they aren't serious, like you.
  563. -391. Overwhelmed by 4 documents? Let LiveTopics guide you!
  564. -392. Oh, you're NOT pregnant?
  565. -393. Most guys are only interested in one thing.
  566. -394. set-top box.
  567. -395 Java workstation.
  568. -396. You've got quite the little dominant streak, don't you?
  569. -397 I'm into S and M.
  570. -398. No, I'm not really into S and M.
  571. -399 What's that smell?
  572. -400. But I was told at Berkeley I could graduate in five years
  573. -401. Hey, I just found an error in Lemma 82 of your proof of the Riemann Hypothesis.
  574. -401 Berkeley's building is much nicer than yours.
  575. -402 Are you famous?
  576. -403 If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?
  577. -404. You're rich? Hey, my Mom needs this operation...
  578. -405. HIV positive
  579. -405. Fwd: jokes
  580. -407 Wow, you have a lot of those yellow books.
  581. -406. They're right you know
  582. -408. You have a folder for Black Friday letters??
  583. -409. I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so.
  584. -410. Run fsck manually
  585. -411. SPOOOOON!
  586. -410. Say, can I unscrew this terminator?
  587. -411 Have some durian!
  588. -412. How regularly have you been flossing?
  589. -413. Look daddy - it's not that difficult to program the VCR
  590. -414 You should have come to see me about this sooner.
  591. -415 Sir, there must be some confusion. These tickets are for last night.
  592. -415 I've thought about this very carefully
  593. -416. You haven't thought this through have you?
  594. -417. Hey - I'm on _your_ side.
  595. -418. Well - you're fucked now.
  596. -419. Are any of these funny?
  597. -420 Do you mind if I smoke?
  598. -421 How old are you?
  599. kosak-bait: -422 Why do you care if it compiles on gcc?
  600. -423 You know, Hitler was a vegetarian too.
  601. -424 May the force be with you.
  602. -425. You remind me of an Ewok.
  603. -426. "graffiti-wuss"
  604. -426. Try it. You'll like it.
  605. -427 You remind me of my kid brother.
  606. -428 Hey, your face looks just like this picture on this FBI Wanted poster.
  607. -428 There's no one left but you and the #2 zephyrer of the day.
  608. -429. It's just for a month, til something else turns up.
  609. -430. Must be PMS or something.
  610. -431. I knew there was *something* I'd forgotten.
  611. -432 Can I borrow your toothbrush?
  612. -433 We do not server alcoholic beverages
  613. -434. Hey, why didn't you tell me you're having a party tonight?
  614. -435. Don't tell me you're STILL hungry!
  615. -436 You are so childish.
  616. -437 Have you thought about professional counseling?
  617. -436. So when are you going to find a nice (catholic, jewish, chinese, ..) (girl, boy)?
  618. -437. So when are you going to find a nice catholic, jewish, chinese, or ... girl OR boy?
  619. -438 Are you a Catholic or a Christian?
  620. -437. I hear you dance - let's do the macarena!
  621. -439. The artist formerly known as Prince.
  622. -440 This page is under construction.
  623. -441. Let me give you a flyer listing our Bible study meeting times in case you change your mind.
  624. -442 relationship
  625. -443. Why would you want to do *that*?
  626. -443. You didn't tell me it was MACH!
  627. -444 You're special.
  628. -445. You remind me of Mr. Rogers.
  629. -446. If this keeps up, I'll have to do "something" to the zephyr servers...
  630. -447. I'm no expert, but ...
  631. -448. Little orange spots? No, I don't see them.
  632. -449. That sounds kind of like what my aunt died of.
  633. -450. When I was your age, I brought up 7 kids on $10 a month.
  634. -451 License and registration, please.
  635. -452. I bet your parents abused you as a child.
  636. christ i really AM seeing little orange spots.
  637. -453. What's your sign?
  638. -454. (on phone) Sorry, I lost track of time, I'll be there in ten minutes.
  639. -455. oh good, melrose place is on.
  640. It's been fun. Let's do it again tomorrow.
  641. -456 but we have to get to 666.
  642. Billy... What are you doing under your desk?
  643. -457. is that what i put out for you to wear today?
  644. -458. So, when are you two getting married?
  645. -459 You said X was simple. Why don't you go ahead and implement X then? (esp. at defense)
  646. -460. Well! I haven't seen you in so long, your mother says you're doing well... what is it you do?
  647. -461 white sale.
  648. -462 Newt
  649. -463 when will the 212 syllabus be out?
  650. -464. Very elegant, but of course you realize this research will never be used for anything. context)
  651. -464. Don't worry. We're fine.
  652. -465. just relax, and breathe normaly
  653. -466 Never mind.
  654. n. Garbage collecting...
  655. -469 Dear Friend and Fellow Entrepreneur,
  656. -470 The meeting starts at 7:30AM.
  657. -471 Rock the vote
  658. -472. Warning: you just broadcast a zephyrgram on instance "<self>", which is a userid. (This is a recording.) [Let me know what you think of this service. -dkindred]
  659. -473. so, youhavethis variable, foo...
  660. -474. Thank you for your interest in our LOW RATE/NO FEE Long Distance Services!
  661. -475 Chill out.
  662. -475 Satanism.
  663. -476 No, I see you more like a Butthead, not a Beavis.
  664. -477. its easy, you just have tweak the macro \the@zero@blitzmerg
  665. -478. It worked when I tried it, I don't see why you keep dumping core.
  666. -479. C'mon, you can't eat just one
  667. -479 All's well that ends.
  668. -668. Neighbor of the beast.

Submitters include:

(I'll add a list of any submitters who ask me to. Anonymity by default.) Last modified: Tue Apr 1 18:50:03 EST 1997