Less Miserable: The Script

The Script

• Complete and Unabridged •

The following transcript is imperfect, but we are reasonably sure that it represents the best of all possible transcripts. Because of the nature of any production that combines spur-of-the-moment improvisation with carefully crafted and rehearsed material, and then further combines this with very nervous and forgetful actors, the transcript includes much that is perhaps better understood in the now historical context of Taylor University in the early 1990’s (as portrayed in Baarendse’s excellent work on the subject, Close Quarters, q.v.) and specifically within the framework of the early-post-modern period of the Mizpah’s second coming-of-age (the performances of the first period being, sadly, lost to posterity) and the eminent thrusting-out upon a cold world of the Mizpah’s members. (Did you have to be there? Perhaps.)

~ * ~

THE PERFORMERS

Steve Baarendse

Wally Campbell

Shawn Denny

Troy Felton

Ken Hugionot

Scott McGlasson

Joe Miller

Kevin Sloat

Thom Verratti

special thanks to

David Benjamin

Mark Ringenberg (Mizpah alum)

John Bollow, Coffeehouse Coordinator

~ * ~

JOHN BOLLOW:	Welcome to Less Miserable; and I’ll turn you over now to our narrator for the evening, a former Brotherhood man, Scott McGlasson. Welcome.
	The ORCHESTRA (Dave) enters and crosses to the orchestra pit.
NARRATOR (Scott):	We’ll be starting in about ten minutes, so until then, please talk amongst yourselves.
	The ORCHESTRA begins to tune up. After a few moments, five DISHROOM WORKERS enter and stand in a line with their backs to the audience. The first notes of the overture are heard.
	Thank you all for attending tonight’s performance of Less Miserable. Ever since Victor Hugo thrust his masterpiece onto the world scene almost two hundred years ago, audiences have thrilled to this sweeping romantic epic of a people in search for freedom, a man in search of justice, a spirit groping for a final resting place.
	Join us this evening as we journey back into the world of yesterday and discover man’s universal quest for truth.
	But today’s audience is not acclimated to the unique culture of post-revolution France. For this reason, tonight’s production has been slightly adapted to fit a Grant County viewership.
	And now, we open in the Taylor dishroom.
	MUSIC: Dishroom Song (to the tune of "Work Song")
	The oppressed DISHROOM WORKERS, weary and with heavy hearts, begin to stamp in time to the music. They burst into angry song:
WORKERS:	Look down, look down Don’t look them in the eye Look down, look down You’re here until you die.
A WORKER (Steve):	The sun is hot It’s hot as hell below.
ALL:	Look down, look down There’s twenty years to go.
A WORKER (Thom):	I’ve done no wrong— Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer!
ALL:	Look down, look down Sweet Jesus doesn’t care.
A WORKER (Wally):	I know she’ll wait I know that she’ll be true—
ALL:	Look down, look down They’ve all forgotten you.
A WORKER (Kevin):	When I get free You won’t see me! ’Ere for dust!
ALL:	Look down, look down Don’t look then in the eye.
A WORKER (Ken):	How long, oh Lord, Before you let me die?
ALL:	Look down, look down You’ll always be a slave. Look down, look down You’re standing in your grave.
	The WORKERS begin scrubbing plates and loading up the fearsome NOF juggernaut/dishwashing machine. JERRY NELSON, the dishroom manager, enters. He addresses MARK RINGENBERG, a tall and handsome worker.
JERRY (Steve):	Now bring me student 84601 Your break is over and your shift’s begun You know what that means—
RINGENBERG (Wally):	Yes. I clean the machine.
JERRY:	No! It means you go out And collect the trays, and pick up trash.
RINGENBERG:	I did that yesterday. I cleaned the tables, and vacuumed the floors, I scrubbed the windows—
JERRY:	You will scrub them again! Until you learn the meaning of what is clean.
RINGENBERG:	I know the meaning Of one thousand plates, Each one of them clean.
JERRY:	Five shifts For talking back! The rest because you look so dumb Yes, 84601—
RINGENBERG:	My name is Ringenberg!
JERRY:	And I’m Jerry Nelson. Do not forget my name Do not forget me, 84601.
	The song ends, and RINGENBERG goes out into the cafeteria to collect lunch trays. A lone student, SALTINE, is finishing her lunch.
RINGENBERG:	(to himself) Working all day. Slaving like a pig! Sweating like a horse. And all for what? For nothing. (he sees SALTINE) Ma’am... lunch is almost up. You must leave.
	MUSIC: Take My Tray (to the tune of "Come to Me")
SALTINE (Shawn):	Come to me, Ringenberg, Lunchtime is fading. Don’t you see the line is growing longer? My tray and I will be in line for so long, And I will miss my eight o’clock, And daily quiz again.
RINGENBERG:	Oh Saltine, your time is running out, But Saltine, I swear upon my life...
SALTINE:	Good monsieur, you come from God in heaven.
RINGENBERG:	And I will take your tray upon myself And bear its burden.
SALTINE:	Take my tray; my roll grows ever colder...
RINGENBERG:	(spoken) Then I will warm it with my breath—
SALTINE:	Take my tray; I give it to your keeping...
RINGENBERG:	(spoken) Just hurry and take your test.
SALTINE:	For God’s sake, please stay till I am testing, And tell my tray I love it And will see it again at lunch—
	As SALTINE runs off, JERRY enters and sees RINGENBERG, ostensibly dallying with a student instead of working! He is enraged.
	MUSIC: Confrontation (to the tune of "Confrontation/I Will Be There")
JERRY:	Ringenberg, at last, We see each other plain. M’sieur le manager, You’re driving me insane—
RINGENBERG:	Before you say another word, Jerry Nelson, Before you chain me up like a slave again, Listen to me—there is something I must do. That woman left behind this tray. There is none but me who can intercede— In mercy’s name—Her tray is all I need. Then I’ll return, I pledge my word— I’ll get back to work—
JERRY:	You must think me mad! I’ve hired you for seven shifts. A man like you can never change A man such as you.
	(RINGENBERG and JERRY sing together:)
RINGENBERG:	Believe of me what you will— There is a duty that I’m sworn to do, You know nothing of my life All I did was take this tray I’ll do what I must do. You would sooner see me dead But not before I see this justice done I am warning you, Jerry I’m the stronger man by far There is power in me yet My race is not yet run! I am warning you, Jerry! There is nothing I won’t dare If I have to kill you here, I’ll do what must be done—
JERRY:	Men like you can never change, Men like you can never change—no, 84601. My duty’s to the law You have no rights, come with me, 84601. Now the wheel has turned around Ringenberg is nothing now. Dare you talk to me of crime? And the price you had to pay? Every man is born in sin Every man must choose his way. You know nothing of Jerry! I was born inside a jail, I was born with scum like you, I am from the gutter too.
	RINGENGERG overpowers JERRY and escapes; they stand at opposite sides of the stage, RINGENBERG pledging faithfulness, JERRY swearing vengeance:
RINGENBERG:	And this I swear to you tonight...
JERRY:	There is no place for you to hide.
RINGENBERG:	I will take your tray within my care.
JERRY:	Wherever you may hide away,
RINGENBERG:	And I will raise it to the belt—
RINGENBERG and JERRY:	(together) I swear to you, I will be there!
NARRATOR:	Ringenberg knows he has to flee immediately, so he runs to Saltine’s class, takes her by the hand, and runs as fast as he can across the Upland plain. Jerry Nelson, too unfit to follow, gives up the chase.
	MUSIC: Instrumental ("Bangkok")
	Loud Oriental music is heard, during which RINGENBERG and SALTINE pantomime running away from JERRY, who collapses in exhaustion. RINGENBERG and SALTINE continue running, and several ORIENTAL MEN take places on the stage behind them. As they run, the ORIENTAL MEN sing and dance backup to an unseen FUNKY COOLIE RAPPER.
	MUSIC: "Bangkok (Dishroom Style)" (to the tune of "One Night in Bangkok")
FUNKY COOLIE RAPPER (Thom):	Bangkok—Oriental setting And the city don’t know what the city is getting. The creme de la creme of the dishroom In a show with everything but John Bollow... One dishroom’s very like another When your head’s down over the dishbelt, brother.
ORENTAL MEN:	It’s a drag, it’s a bore It’s really such a pity To be scrubbing at a plate Not looking at the city.
FUNKY COOLIE RAPPER:	(spoken) Whaddya mean? Ya seen one crowded, polluted, stinking cafeteria— Time flies, doesn’t seem a minute Since the Taylor D.C. had Ringenberg in it. All change—don’t you know that when you Work in Bangkok it’s no ordinary menu— So you gotta learn how to clean up chop suey, egg rolls, mustard stains...
AN ORIENTAL MAN (Steve):	(spoken) We need more Calgon!
FUNKY COOLIE RAPPER:	(spoken) Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
ORIENTAL MEN	(chorus) One night in dishroom And the sweat starts dripping It’s not a temple, but the plates are clean. You’re stuck in dishroom And there ain’t no tipping. Minimum wages are enough for me— I can feel NOF’s tendrils wrapping around me.
FUNKY COOLE RAPPER:	Siam’s gonna be a hideout Ringenberg and Saltine’s luck just died out. Got a job in a Bangkok dishroom Cleaning mouse tails from a sushi fish-tomb (spoken) And thank God they’re only scraping off this slop, not actually eating it. I don’t see you guys rating The kind of dish I’m contemplating. I’d let you wash—I would invite you But the scale we pay would not excite you.
ORIENTAL MEN:	(repeat chorus)
	As the song ends, traditional Oriental music is heard.
	A yin-yang spotlight is turned on as the stage is filled with CHINESE ACROBATS, who present the Acrobatic Interlude. The Interlude begins with several TUMBLERS, who amaze RINGENBERG and SALTINE with their somersaults and cartwheels. SALTINE offers an interpretive dance to the music as two ACROBATS begin a slow karate fight. Suddenly, a RUG MERCHANT (Steve) walls through on his way to the market, "accidentally" knocking over the performers. Two ACROBATS demonstrate the art of bending an iron rod between their throats; another ACROBAT removes the rod before anyone is injured. As a finale, two ACROBATS (Ken and Wally) begin a stick fight; the fun is over when one is injured with the traditional comic "knee to the groin." The other ACROBATS carry their hurt friend off as the lights come up.
	RINGENBERG and SALTINE, having eluded JERRY by travelling all the way to Bangkok, now search for a safe haven.
RINGENBERG:	How do you get around in the Orient? Huh? How do we get around?
RINGENBERG and SALTINE:	Taxi... taxi....
	A RICKSHAW DRIVER, who, due to his odd accent, is here referred to as the LICKSHAW DRIVER, runs up.
LICKSHAW DRIVER (Steve):	Lickshaw... lickshaw....
RINGENBERG:	(hailing the driver) Jeeves.... Take us to... hotel.
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	Ah. O-tel. Pol Pot.
RINGENBERG:	Hotel American.
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	Pol Pot?
SALTINE:	No, no, no—Americans... Americans...
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	Ah, yes. Pol Pot.
	He lets them climb into the rickshaw.
RINGENBERG:	Oh, yes. This is much more convenient. So, good man, how long have you been in the rickshaw business?
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	Many years, many years.
RINGENBERG:	And do you like it?
	Much to RINGENBERG’s consternation, the LICKSHAW DRIVER stops dead.
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	I sing song.
RINGENBERG and SALTINE:	Oh, no. No, we didn’t—
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	(to the backstage crew) Rights! Rights!
	The rights stay on.
	Rights off!
	The rights go off. The yin-yang spotlight is turned back on, as RINGENBERG and SALTINE continue to protest. Finally, resigned, they sit upstage.
	MUSIC: Lickshaw Driver’s Song (to the tune of "I Had a Dream")
	There was time when men were kind, When words soft and exciting. There was time when love was... blind And... verry inviting. There was time— It all went wrong.
RINGENBERG:	Yes... well...
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	Now the tigers come at night With their voices soft as thunder As they tear your hope apart As they turn your dream to dust...
	RINGENBERG and SALTINE applaud as if the song is over. During this next, various CHINESE MEN file in and stare at the LICKSHAW DRIVER as if he is crazy.
	She lived a summer by my side She filled my days with endless wonder She took my childhood in her stride But she was gone when autumn came.
	RINGENBERG tries to console the LICKSHAW DRIVER, but is shaken off.
	I had dleam rife would be So difflent flom this herr I’m riving So difflent now flom what it seemed... Now rife has kirred dleam I dleamed.
	He breaks down, emotionally exhausted. RINGENBERG and SALTINE rejoin him, patting him on the back.
RINGENBERG:	Beautiful! Inspiring, inspiring.
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	Lickshaw!
ALL:	Lickshaw, lickshaw...
	They all reassemble into the rickshaw. As they travel, RINGENBERG and SALTINE notice that the DRIVER has passed the Hotel American.
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	Pol Pot.
RINGENBERG:	There’s the hotel... there... What is this? Where are we...?
	The LICKSHAW DRIVER has stopped at the massive, black, ominous, multi-turreted fortress of the evil POL POT, which is located just offstage. The DRIVER pantomimes knocking, soundlessly, on a door.
RINGENBERG and SALTINE:	Where are we?
	The DRIVER knocks louder.
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	Pow! Pow pow pow pow pow! Pow pow pow pow pow! Pol Pot!
	The evil and treacherous POL POT enters, majestically. He is wearing several weapons, a scowl, and not much else, leaving his impressive physique apparent to the world.
POL POT (Ken):	Oi!
NARRATOR:	Pol Pot was a thoroughly unenlightened despot—
	As RINGENBERG and SALTINE listen, the overeager LICKSHAW DRIVER interrupts the narration.
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	Where money, Pol Pot? Where money?
NARRATOR:	Excuse me...
POL POT:	(in a rare—indeed, his only—display of coherence) Where’s the money. Where’s THE money! How many times do I have to tell you to use your stinking articles?
LICKSHAW DRIVER:	Pol Pot—
	POL POT shoots the DRIVER through the head. RINGENBERG and SALTINE have begun edging away, hoping to make a run for it. (In the performance, RINGENBERG is actually dealing with a technical problem in the NARRATOR’s microphone.)
POL POT:	(to RINGENBERG, after shoving past SALTINE) You! Come with me!
RINGENBERG:	We’re working with the equipment.
	But they are dragged out anyway, as the NARRATOR fills in the missing narration.
NARRATOR:	As you have just seen, Pol Pot was a thoroughly unenlightened despot from southeast Asia. His glory was homicide, and he reveled in the spilled blood of his fellow man. Anger and passion were his constant companions. By the end of his authoritarian regime, he was the only person alive in his homeland—so he moved to Bangkok to spend his remaining days in a hashish dream.
	RINGENBERG and SALTINE, ordered to entertain POL POT or die, enter with a ventriloquist’s dummy in the shape, inexplicably, of a large pickle.
RINGENBERG:	To please Pol Pot, we will sing a part of Les Misérables... by ventriloquism.
	MUSIC: Pickle on a Cloud (to the tune of "Castle on a Cloud")
	RINGENBERG sings, grimacing tightly, and gesturing to show that the voice is magically coming from the pickle.
	There is a castle on a cloud I like to go there in my sleep Not any floors for me to sweep— Not in my castle on a cloud.
	RINGENBERG drinks a glass of water as SALTINE, shaking with fear, picks up the song.
SALTINE:	There is a room that’s full of toys There are a hundred boys and girls Nobody shouts or talks too LOUD Not in my castle on a cloud.
RINGENBERG	There’s a lady all in white Holds me and sings a lullaby—
POL POT:	STOP! STOP! STOP IT!
RINGENBERG:	(still singing) She says "Pol Pot, I love you—"
POL POT:	STOP IT!
	RINGENBERG drops the pickle and looks around innocently. POL POT seethes.
SALTINE:	We... just...
POL POT:	THIS SUCKS! I KILL!
	RINGENBERG and SALTINE bolt as POL POT begins shooting at them. They chase each other around the stage, POL POT shouting: "Pow! Pow!" Finally, RINGENBERG and SALTINE are cornered, but POL POT is out of ammo. As he pauses to reload, RINGENBERG arid SALTINE join hands and clothesline the dictator. After they escape, POL POT gets up. Suddenly, POL POT’s LACKEY, a sniveling little toady, runs in with a small white card.
LACKEY (Thom):	Pol Pot! Pol Pot! It is your servant, your lackey, the one who kisses your feet and loves you...
	The LACKEY tries to kiss POL POT’s feet, but is kicked out of the way.
	Pol Pot, look! Look look look look look look look look look look what he dropped! It’s an I.D. card!
POL POT:	Quiet! (grunts as he studies the card) Ringenberg! Taylor University! KILL! Kill, kill...
LACKEY:	This way, Pol Pot, this way...
	They run out; an ANNOUNCER enters.
ANNOUNCER (Thom):	There will now be a short intermission. So everyone feel free to get up and mill around!
JOHN BOLLOW:	Tell them there’s food in the back.
ANNOUNCER:	And there’s food in the back! (as nobody moves) Or you can just sit there!
~ INTERMISSION ~
	Israel. In the background, thc strains of Israeli music. On stage, several JEWISH MEN are happily sitting around, in no particular pattern, washing and drying dishes. Their leader, who for lack of a better appellation is here called the JEW, is merrily supervising.
NARRATOR:	Ringenberg and his girl escape to Israel. See them now as they meet a real Jew.
	The JEW schmoozes with his fellows, patting his stomach and laughing.
THE JEW:	Shalom... shabbat shalom... ah, shalom! Ah.... Eesn’t thees fun?
	RINGENBERG and SALTINE enter.
RINGENBERG:	Israel!
THE JEW:	(noticing them) Oh! Shalom!
	The JEW leaps into RINGENBERG’s arms and kisses him; he does the same for SALTINE.
	Welcome to Israel, land of Jews! Jewish, yes, ah, yes. Look, look... many men are my men. We have a kibbutz here, oh, yes. (indicating his MEN, one at a time) This is Yassir... this is Arafat... this is Mohammed.
	Each says "Shalom!"
RINGENBERG:	It’s interesting that we’re here—
THE JEW:	How come you be here? The Torah says no foreigners come from outside if they not be judgement of God.
	His MEN nod idiotically.
	(to ARAFAT) You know what the Torah says, yes? (ARAFAT nods.) Ha, ha, ha... he’s so good, yes.
RINGENBERG:	Well, it’s funny, we, uh, we, it’s interesting that you have this—
THE JEW:	(indicating one of the others) Industry!
RINGENBERG:	—plantation... where I come from we work in a more compact dishroom where it’s... smaller... a more efficient operation.
THE JEW:	Deeshroom? (as RINGENBERG nods) He’s a deeshman? A deeshman? I once had a dream about a deeshman. Eet goes like thees...
	The JEW begins shaking his arms, a la Topol.
	MUSIC: Eef I Was a Deeshman (to the tune of "If I Were a Rich Man")
	Eef I was a deeshman Scrubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dub, All day long I’d clean the pots and pans Eef I was a deesh... man. Ho! I wouldn’t have to dress good Dressy dressy dressy dressy dressy dressy dressy dress, All I’d do is make a beeg mess Eef I was a real deeshman! Ho!
RINGENBERG:	Wonderful, wonderful. Really, that’s very flattering, but—
THE JEW:	EEF I WAS A DEESHMAN Scrubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dub, All day long I’d clean the pots and pans, Eef I was a real deeshman!
RINGENBERG:	Stop...
	Over RINGENBERG’s protests, the JEW sings the verse again, as his fellows join him in a raucous dance. One grabs a chair; they put the JEW in it and raise him above their heads, singing. Finally, they stop, cheering and screaming: "Mazeltov!"
	Torah, torah... This is all very, ah, flattering, but I think you’d find that dishroom work is really very long, laborious—
THE JEW:	(indicating RINGENBERG; to the others:) A DEESHMAN!!!
	There is a pause; three JEWISH MEN jump up behind the JEW and echo him.
	SONG: A Deeshman (to the tune of "Tradition")
	A deeshman...
THREE JEWS:	A DEESHMAN!
THE JEW:	A deeshman...
THREE JEWS:	A DEESHMAN!!!
THE JEW:	(spoken) On thees hand... there is the Law, the good God above, yes, there’s family, ethics, morality. But on thees hand... there is deeshman! A deeshman...
THREE JEWS:	A DEESHMAN!
THE JEW:	A deeshman!
THREE JEWS:	A DEESHMAN!
THE JEW:	(screaming) There is no other hand! A deeshman!
THREE JEWS:	(climbing down) A deeshman.
	They all hug the JEW. Everyone mills about, content. Gradually, chase music builds in volume. The JEWISH MEN become agitated; the JEW begins pacing around:
THE JEW:	Ees... bad. Ees bad. Ees bad! EES BAD! No! No! NO!
	All of the JEWS run and hide, leaving RINGENBERG and SALTINE standing in confusion. Suddenly, POL POT and his LACKEY enter and begin strutting around.
NARRATOR:	The Czar, Russian emperor, reigning from 988 to the present day, initiates a pogrom upon the Jewish pale. A pogrom is a nasty form of genocide in which entire communities were known to be liquidated.
	The Russians did not like the Jews. Well, that is an understatement. They positively hated them. Why? Probably for the same petty reasons that some of us right here in this room despise others of us right here in this room. Anyway, they knew it was wrong to hate others, so through a series of pogroms, they annihilated the objects of their hatred and burned their dwellings to the ground.
	As POL POT marches, the LACKEY gathers up the moaning JEWS and forces them to kneel in a row downstage, scrubbing dishes. RINGENBERG and SALTINE are grabbed along with them.
LACKEY:	(to RINGENBERG) You’ll be sorry! (scurrying about) The pogrom’s coming! (to ORCHESTRA) The pogrom’s coming... All of you, down on your knees! On your knees! Work!
ALL:	Oh... ah...
RINGENBERG:	We’ll work, we’ll work... We’ll work on dishes... we’ll slave...
A JEW:	Slave away...
	They all wail and moan, scrubbing the dishes, as POL POT addresses them. The LACKEY continues to poke and prod at them.
POL POT:	Now you are all in my pogrom! Ho! So! You will work for me! And you will do as I tell you. If you do not, I will shoot you like this. POW!
	He shoots a JEW (Troy.) Thc JEW looks surprised.
LACKEY:	(shoving him) Fall down! Fall down! Die!
	The LACKEY kicks him.
POL POT:	Now WORK!
	Suddenly, a BRAVE JEW rises up against this oppression. As he sings an inspiring call to rebellion, the other JEWS and RINGENBERG and SALTINE join him. Song: Rebellion/Grovel (to the tune of "Red and Black")
BRAVE JEW (Steve):	Red—the blood of angry men,
ALL:	Black—the dark of ages past! Red—the color of the dawn...
	POL POT shoots the BRAVE JEW through the head. He falls down.
THE REST:	We will all work very hard We will work until we’re done Please don’t shoot us, Pol Pot...
	POL POT pistol whips the same JEW (Troy), who still looks confused. The LACKEY shoves him.
LACKEY:	Die again!
POL POT:	(pistol whipping others:) Die too! Die!
	POL POT begins a showy march around the room. The LACKEY attempts to imitate him.
	What do you think of this then? You like this, hmm?
RINGENBERG:	I’ll tell you what I think, Pol Pot...
	He rises, clapping rhythmically, as do the OTHERS.
	Song: Trouble/Goodnight/Wait a Minute (to tunes from The Music Man)
	I think we got trouble Right here in Tel Aviv With a capital "T", and that rhymes with "P" And that stands for Pol Pot!
	POL POT shoots, ineffectively, into the air. All of the JEWS and SALTINE repeat the verse.
POL POT:	Stop! Stop!
	The JEWS get a long rope and hand the middle to POL POT. As they sing, they wind around POL POT and his LACKEY like a maypole, tying them up.
ALL except the BAD GUYS:	Goodnight, Pol Pot Goodnight, Pol Pot Goodnight, Pol Pot We’re going to leave you now.
POL POT and the LACKEY:	(as the OTHERS repeat the verse:) Wait a minute—get my guards Wait a minute—get my guards Wait wait wait—wait a minute, get my guards... (repeats three times) Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait—
	After a while, the JEWS, RINGENBERG, and SALTINE escape, leaving POL POT and the LACKEY to struggle off stage during the narration. Lights off for scene change.
NARRATOR:	Ringenberg, realizing that Israel was not the safe haven that he’d thought it would be, takes Saltine away with him to Austria, where they fall in love with the beautiful, pastel-colored dishrooms and immediately get jobs. The next scene opens upon an Austrian dishroom.
	The lights go on a bit too early.
THE COMPANY:	(tutti) Lights off... lights off... light goes off...
NARRATOR:	At this point, the lights were turned off and the spotlight was turned on.
	This happens. The spotlight reveals RINGENBERG and SALTINE happily scrubbing away on an Austrian dishline with several AUSTRIAN DISHWORKERS.
RINGENBERG:	(as others rush into place) I’m sure that everyone is working very hard back there. Not one is not working very hard. There...
	MUSIC: Forks and Knives (to the tune of "Eidelweiss")
	Forks and knives, Forks and knives With scrubbing and love we will clean them Plates on racks— Send them back We will labor to clean them. Industrial detergents are harsh on hands And on our complexions...
	As he sings, the AUDIENCE spontaneously adds harmony.
	Hold me tight— It’s all right, Our shift lasts forever.
	As the song ends, the AUSTRIAN DISHROOM MANAGER enters, singing a brief and gratuitous passage from Les Misérables:
AUSTRIAN DISHROOM WORKER (Ken):	What is all this about? This is a dishroom, not a circus—
	As he exits, RINGENBERG is approached by the man working next to him on the line—ROBERT OPPENHEIMER. OPPENHEIMER speaks in extremely broken English.
OPPENHEIMER (Steve):	Dat vas a very nice friend... song, my friend. Very nice song. I am vorking next to you but I am not a dishvasher.
RINGENBERG:	Ah, yes. My name is Ringenberg.
OPPENHEIMER:	And I am Robert... I forgot my last name.
	The swift and trustworthy NARRATOR speaks as RINGENBERG and OPPENHEIMER freeze.
NARRATOR:	Robert Oppenheimer, a famous Austrian scientist that made international history when he invented the atomic bomb.
RINGENBERG:	It’s very good to meet you, Mr.... Oppenheimer.
OPPENHEIMER:	Thank you, Mr. Rosenberg.
RINGENBERG:	Yes, so you—Ringenberg.
OPPENHEIMER:	You see, I had many big plans for this dishroom, I...
RINGENBERG:	It’s very nice the way it is.
OPPENHEIMER:	I take nuclear power, and I make great big dishroom. You can vork all the time and you never get tired, vork in this dishroom.
RINGENBERG:	Well, that sounds delightful but... I don’t—
OPPENHEIMER:	Liquidate many people, vork in this dishroom!
RINGENBERG:	Yes, yes, well, I... don’t quite think I understand quite how such a dishroom would work.
OPPENHEIMER:	I explain it to you. It has to do with relativity.
	MUSIC: MC2 (to the tune of "Do Re Mi")
	E, th’amount of energy Equals M—M represents the mass Times C—a constant—the speed of light C’s big—’cause light goes really fast— Square it—Relativity begins Fission—Take the atoms all apart Fusion—Now bring them back again! That will bring us back to M C squared equals...
OPPENHEIMER and RINGENBERG:	E! The amount of energy...
	As they repeat the verse, the AUSTRIAN DISHWORKERS form a line and sing counterpoint:
AUSTRIAN DISHWORKERS:	E M M, M C squared E M M , M C squared...
	(verse repeats)
ALL:	That will bring... us... back... to... NOF!
	As the COMPANY sings the final word, there is dead silence for several moments, as the audience tries and fails to get the joke.
RINGENBERG:	I see.
OPPENHEIMER:	This is the logic; this is the logic. But there is lot ingredients that go into this... make relativity work... make nuclear reactions... make atomic dishrooms. You see...
RINGENBERG:	I understand.
OPPENHEIMER:	Come. I show you.
	OPPENHEIMER leads RINGENBERG upstage, gesturing to a large machine and a small box under a cover.
	Here. This is generator. Nuclear generator. This— (as he whips the cover from the box) This special secret. Do not tell many people what this is, what it stands for—
RINGENBERG:	What is it?
OPPENHEIMER:	What? YOU CAN LIQUIDATE MANY PEOPLE WITH IT!
	RINGENBERG jumps; tries to calm OPPENHEIMER down.
	Forgot. I must keep myself under control. I will sing you a song about the various diverse elements that go into relativity.
RINGENBERG:	I think I’d appreciate that.
	MUSIC: My Dangerous Things (to the tune of "My Favorite Things")
OPPENHEIMER:	Fission and fusion and nuclear reactions Liquids and solids and plasma and gasses Acids and bases and carbonite rings These are a few of my dangerous things Protons and neutrons and tiny electrons Quasars and pulsars and galactic spectrums Somewhere between them are we human beings— Those are a few of my dangerous things!
OPPENHEIMER and RINGENBERG:	Dirty dishes, greasy plates, and Crusted over pans— I simply crank up my nuclear machine And all of the plates get clean!
	As the song continues, POL POT and his LACKEY creep in at the back, unseen by the OTHERS. They sneak over to the nuclear generator, grab it, and make their way out.
OPPENHEIMER:	Isotopes and half-lives And splitting of atoms...
RINGENBERG:	It’s all very confusing...
OPPENHEIMER:	Have one of my Tums®.
	OPPENHEIMER gives RINGENBERG a name-brand antacid, and the song continues.
	Cathodes and gamma rays—
RINGENBERG:	Laser beams!
OPPENHEIMER:	Ja!
RINGENBERG:	These are a few of your dangerous things!
OPPENHEIMER:	Ja! Nazis und Jewdens und all other races Are looking to me with puzzling faces I can dispatch them, and—how you say?— Fat lady sings Just with a few of my dangerous things!
RINGENBERG:	This is very good, but, uh... don’t you realize that with just a few minor adjustments, this could be turned into quite a devastating bomb?
	OPPENHEIMER shushes him. Some of the AUSTRIAN DISHWORKERS have seen POL POT; suddenly we hear an evil laugh...
	What? It’s Pol Pot!
ALL:	No! You can’t do that! (etc.)
POL POT:	I have the bomb!
	OPPENHEIMER sings a brief piece, to the tune of a portion of Les Misérables. POL POT, forgetting that he is supposed to kill OPPENHEIMER (and thus make some kind of statement by killing a Steve character three times in the play) stands there proudly.
OPPENHEIMER:	I might have known the bitch could bite! I might have guessed the cat had claws! I might have guessed your little secret Oh yes, the virtuous Pol Pot Who keeps himself from getting caught You’ll be the cause I have no doubt Of any trouble here about You play a virgin in the light But need no urging in the night!
	POL POT does not shoot him through the head.
POL POT:	So. I have it. And now I shall blow your puny little school to pieces.
RINGENBERG:	Wait! I have something to say...
	He begins clapping the others follow him, and an AUSTRIAN approaches with the rope...
	I think we’ve got trouble Right here in Austria With a capital "P" and that stands for Pol Pot—
POL POT:	Wait! STOP! (as they pause) You fool me once... shame on you. You fool me twice... shame on me. Bye bye!
ALL:	Get them!
	Everyone pursues POL POT and his LACKEY out. The stage is empty for a beat.
NARRATOR:	Let’s take a moment to reflect on the recent events,
	RINGENBERG enters with SALTINE.
RINGENBERG:	Well, that does it. What are we going to do? We have to go back to Taylor and rescue our friends, our amigos... our hombres. That’s true. We must get all our friends...
SALTINE:	(calling) Friends!
RINGENBERG:	Friends, come! Come, friends, come!
	Several FRIENDS jump out to help SALTINE and RINGENBERG on their mission.
SALTINE:	We’ll take a plane ride.
RINGENBERG:	Get in the plane! Quickly, now... ready?
	They assemble into a plane, which takes off.
FRIEND #1 (Troy):	(waving to Jack Lugar, who is in the audience) Oh... Hi, Jack!
RINGENBERG:	What!?
	RINGENBERG turns and knifes FRIEND #1; he then brutally stabs each of the other passengers.
SALTINE:	No, no... calm down.
RINGENBERG:	(to corpses) I’m sorry... I’m a little tense. You can get back in the plane now.
	Everyone reassembles the plane. As they fly, the LACKEY sneaks out to the front of the stage and makes an explosion sound in a microphone. Everyone in the plane jumps.
	Oh! Pol Pot must have blown up the school....
	No, that was the lackey blowing in the mike.
ALL:	Oh...
RINGENBERG:	Look down there! Is that the school?
	Everyone looks. Murmurs are heard: "It’s all burnt." "Nothing’s left", etc.
	Let’s land. (as they do so) Smooth landing. Check the buildings! Quickly! Be off. Check the buildings. Report! Report!
SALTINE:	There’s nothing left in the science building.
FRIEND #2 (Kevin):	No one in the Reade Center...
FRIEND #1:	Olson’s empty.
FRIEND #3 (Steve):	And there’s no one here in the D.C.
RINGENBERG:	Oh, my gosh.
FRIEND #2:	I checked the prayer chapel. There were two people in there. They were dead.
RINGENBERG:	Look around again! Isn’t there anything left? Is the whole campus gone? Report to me!
FRIEND #3:	Third Morris is empty.
	There is a moment of profound silence.
	Music: Empty Chairs (to the tune of "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables")
RINGENBERG:	There’s a grief that can’t be spoken There’s a pain goes on and on Empty chairs at empty tables Where my friends are dead and gone.
	(spoken) It’s true. There’s nothing left. All is gone. All hope is lost.
	POL POT and the LACKEY enter.
	There is nothingness. Goodness is mocked. (as he sees POL POT) The treacherous... POL POT!
	RINGENBERG makes as if to strike the sullen dictator, but the LACKEY quickly interposes.
LACKEY:	No! Don’t hurt him! He wants to be your friend now.
RINGENBERG:	You have destroyed the school!
LACKEY:	He wants to be your friend now.
POL POT:	Friends.
LACKEY:	He wants to be your friend... friends. I’ll get the wine, Pol Pot—oh, did I say wine? I’ll get the sparkling grape juice.
POL POT:	Friends.
RINGENBERG:	Touché.
	The LACKEY rushes out and returns with a pitcher of wine and cups. He gives each person a cup, saying "Peace" to everyone. As he pours:
	Friends...
	MUSIC: Drink With Me (from Les Misérables)
ALL:	Drink with me to days gone by Sing with me the songs we knew Here’s to pretty girls Who went to our heads Here’s to witty girls...
LACKEY:	(alone) Who went to our... beds.... (hurried) I was just kidding! Uh...
ALL:	Here’s to them, and here’s to you! Drink with me to days gone by To the life that used to be At the shrine of friendship Never say die! Let the wine of friendship Never run dry! Here’s to you And here’s to Mizpah.
	Everyone but POL POT drinks a hearty toast. They all immediately begin screaming. As POL POT laughs, everyone dies horrible, retching, throat-clutching deaths.
	A SPIRIT raises his head for a final musical line from Les Misérables:
SPIRIT (Steve):	I am a fog, I am a gas I am a spirit now at last It’s better than the opera.
	As the SPIRIT collapses, POL POT begins laughing hysterically. He laughs and laughs, flinging his arms around wildly in triumph. As he does so, he inadvertently ingests some poisoned wine and expires. The COMPANY lies dead for a moment. Then an ANNOUNCER leaps up.
ANNOUNCER (Thom):	Is Joe Miller in the audience? We have come to the time in the Mizpah production when Joe Miller comes out as Hades.
	The ANNOUNCER and COMPANY scan the audience for JOE MILLER; after a while, perhaps seeing a steely glint in the then-future MRS. MILLER's eye, the ANNOUNCER continues:
	Unfortunately, he will not be playing Hades this evening. So we will have to be a poor substitute... Wait!
	Hounded by screams from the audience, JOE MILLER, dressed, perhaps conveniently, in a red turtleneck, makes his way to the front.
	Quick coaching is in order.
RINGENBERG:	We’ll die a little more.
	As the ANNOUNCER consults with JOE, the COMPANY dies some more. After a moment, they are quiet. JOE, as HADES, approaches a microphone.
HADES (Joe):	I am Hades, god of the Stuart Room. Spirits, arise, and tell me: What is the meaning of four years of college?
	Music: The Not Song (trad. Mizpah arrangement)
	The COMPANY floats eerily around the stage, moaning; HADES states words which are repeated by them all.
HADES and COMPANY:	Zero...
	Nada...
	Zilch...
	Nyet...
	Zehro...
	(a buzzer sound) AAAHN...
THOM:	Spirits, what is the meaning of forming a silly drama troupe?
HADES and COMPANY:	Nothing...
	Zero...
	Not even a little bit...
	Nothing...
KEVIN:	What is the meaning of endless nights under the bright lights of performance?
HADES and COMPANY:	Very little...
	Zero...
STEVE:	And what is the meaning of four years on a beautiful Christian college campus?
HADES and COMPANY:	Nothing...
	Whole person concept...
KEN:	What is the meaning of four years of weak attempts at humor?
HADES and COMPANY:	Nothing!
TROY:	What’s the point to dating on campus?
COMPANY:	Nothing!
WALLY:	What’s the meaning of four years of trying to make friends and get attention in petty little ways?
COMPANY:	NOTHING!
	Suddenly, the production ends. Bows, cheering, etc.