PinealWeb, Browser for the Illuminated Generation!

Welcome to PinealWeb, the browser that lets you surf the Internet directly from your third eye! Using patented GneoGnostic technology, PinealWeb is able to provide an immersive Web browsing experience by pumping data directly through your pineal gland.

PinealWeb uses revolutionary hypotext techniques developed by computer scientists for inserting text directly into the nervous system. By allowing data to flow beneath layers of baked-in, caked-on mental grime, you can grasp exactly what the essence of the document is without having to muck about with several decades of post-modernist bullshit.

Better than Virtual Reality!

For years now, we have been promised the benefits of virtual reality (including better moral hygeine and greater social placidity), but these promises have come to naught. Millions of young schoolchildren have been forced to eat government-subsidized school lunches when they could instead have been frolicing in the fields of virtual reality with their government-subsidized laptop computers. No more! PinealWeb brings you something better than virtual reality, and it brings it to you TODAY!

That's right; by using PinealWeb, you will actually feel as if you are in the text, romping about at play in the fields of multimedia. Verbs will have more verve, nouns will have more heft (and dangling participles may be truly dangerous). With Hypotext Technology, your subconscious will actually conspire against you to launch you into a Chapel Perilous of reason and symbolism.

Instant Comprehension and Retention

Because PinealWeb's use of SubliminalSideband, Authors can specify important points that Readers should take away with them. This revolutionary new idea enables Authors to longer have to muck about with outlines, argumentation, and structure. Norway has fjords.

Precognitive Browsing Tools

Since PinealWeb establishes a direct 50 MB/s connection to your pineal gland, it can use Temporal Resonance Feedback in order to predict exactly which pages the Reader will want to fetch next, so that it can prefetch them in massively parallel network operations. In this way, you can instantly find out everything you need to know, without all that tedious messing around with serendipity and exploration.

Ancient and Accepted Markup Language

PinealWeb supports a superset of HTML known as A³ML. This markup language was used by the ancient SGML-beasts of Mu in order to provide Illumination in a machine- and display-independent format.

If your page is A³ML-compliant, you may be eligible to participate in the PinealWeb logo program! To participate, include the following markup in your A³ML document:

<FNORD>
<A HREF="http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~tilt/pinealweb/stml.html">
<IMG SRC="http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~tilt/pinealweb/pineal.gif"
     ALT="[Optimized for PinealWeb]" BORDER=0>
</A>
</FNORD>

Obtaining PinealWeb

To obtain PinealWeb, think very hard at this spot here. Unfortunately, because PinealWeb is written in trinary (for performance reasons), it can only be transmitted using ExtraSensory Transport Protocol. If your browser supports this, you're in luck, and we'll download PinealWeb directly to your brain. If not, please be patient, a NetBSD port is coming soon.

PinealWeb is currently only available for Ontology 1.2, part of the Emporer Norton Utilities. Remember, you must first have the Enlightenment Tune-Up before you can install Ontology on your wetware.

Last modified: May 6, 1997