Return to the previous section.
To explain how a gay or lesbian person "comes out of the closet," you first need to know what "the closet" is. The closet is simply a metaphor used to describe the place gay and lesbian people keep their sexual orientation hidden-whether that place is between their ears, within a tightly knit group of friends, or within the larger gay and lesbian community. The truth is kept "behind the closet door."
At its most basic, "coming out of the closet" means being honest with those around you-friends, family, colleagues, and so forth-about your sexual orientation, about how you are. For example, that might mean talking about your same-sex spouse if a new colleague asks you if you're married. But coming out the closet means different things to different people. When you ask three different gay and lesbian people to talk about their coming-out experiences, you're likely to get three entirely different stories. One will talk about coming out sexually-his or her first sexual experience. Another will talk about coming out to herself-when she first accepted the fact she was a lesbian. Still another will talk about coming out to his family-when he first told his family that he was gay.
"It's exhausting and frightening," said Beverly, who spent more than a dozen years in the military hiding the fact she was a lesbian. "I never knew when the ax would fall, when someone would turn me in. At any moment I knew my career could be over. So I watched everything I said, everything I did, to make sure no one would guess the truth. I tell you, it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I thought I was going to lose my mind."
Even if your job doesn't depend on keeping your sexual orientation hidden, staying in the closet can be hard work. You've got to live two different lives-your real life and a life that's suitable for public consumption. You have to monitor what you say and be careful of what you do, and you have to make certain your two lives never intersect. When you attend office functions, you've got to bring a date of the opposite sex, even if you've been living with your same-sex partner for twenty years. When your kids visit you and your same-sex spouse for the weekend, you have to pretend that you're roommates and make certain you've left no incriminating evidence anywhere in the house. (Kids are curious, and if there's something to be found, they'll find it.) Above all, you've got to be an expert story teller. You've got to be able to tell a convincing lie with a straight face.
When I was a teenager, I was terribly frightened that people would find out I was gay. I worked hard to keep my secret, and I made up all kinds of stories to cover my tracks. Once when I was home on vacation during my first year in college, I went out with some gay friends on a Friday night. I told my mother some story about where I was going and with whom. And I told my girlfriend from high school, who was also home from college, another story. I didn't mean to tell two different stories, but I couldn't remember what I'd told my mother. So there we were the next evening, the three of us, in the living room at my mother's house, and Eileen asked me how my Friday night party had been. Well, I couldn't remember what story I'd told my mother, but it was clear from the expression on her face that I hadn't told her I was at a party. Eileen saw the expression on my mother's face and the look of horror on my face, and there was a split second when everyone realized I'd been caught in a lie. It was in that moment that I realized I didn't have the talent-or memory-required to keep my life a secret. I was a failure at staying in the closet. Fortunately, I have a family that accepts me as I am and a career that doesn't require me to hide.
Many people are experts at keeping their homosexuality carefully hidden and don't find it especially difficult. Tom is in his early fifties, in a relationship with a man for more than two decades, and deep in the closet to everyone but his close circle of gay male friends. As far as his colleagues know, he's a confirmed bachelor who has no life beyond his career. "I learned a long time ago how to keep my two worlds-my personal life and my professional life-entirely separate. I never socialize with people from work and never discuss anything about my personal life with my colleagues. My lover and I have separate phones at home, both of which are unlisted, so even if someone suspected I had a lover, they could never trace us through the phone company.
"I would never have gotten as far as I have in my career if it were known that I'm gay, and I'm not about to risk all I have just so I can bring my partner to company parties. It's not worth it. Years ago, when I was growing up, there was no choice. No one ever talked about coming out of the closet, because it would have been such an outrageous thing to do. Only crazy people didn't hide. You had to keep it hidden. Now there's a choice, but I'm happy and very comfortable with the way I live my life."
Gay and lesbian people stay in the closet for three primary reasons: necessity, fear, and because they simply prefer not to discuss this part of their lives with, for example, their colleagues or families.
Those who stay in the closet because of necessity may do so because they know or suspect they'll lose their jobs or, for example, because they think their parents will stop paying their college tuition or throw them out of the house if they find out.
Fear is often when people decide it's a necessity to hid their sexual orientation. People fear being rejected by their families, fear losing or compromising their careers, fear losing custody of their children, fear being thrown out of the house, fear physical violence at the hands of those who hate gay people, fear being judged, and so forth. And much of the fear is justified by the horror stories we have heard, read, and experience personally.
Most gay and lesbian people keep their sexual orientation to themselves, and the price of keeping the secret can be high, whether the price is counted in the stunning number of gay and lesbian teens who kill themselves or in the high rate of alcoholism and drug abuse among gay people. There are also, of course, many gay men and women who are comfortable with and are accustomed to keeping their homosexuality hidden, and they do whatever they have to in order to conceal their sexual orientation.
Those gay and lesbian people who choose to tell their friends, family and colleagues about their sexual orientation do so for many reasons. However, they do it primarily because they want to be themselves, because they want to be honest with those they love and trust, and because it can be difficult exhausting, and personally destructive to pretend to be something you're not.
Imagine for a moment what it's like to "keep it to yourself." It's Monday morning at the office, and one of your colleagues asks you what you did for the weekend. You answer, as you always do, "Nothing much," even though you spent the weekend at the hospital with your seriously ill spouse. You could have said that you spent the weekend in the hospital with a person close to you, but more questions would inevitably follow, and ultimately it would be impossible to hide the truth. So to protect your secret, you can almost never honestly respond to an innocent question or comment, whether the question is asked by a colleague, a relative, or even a cab driver. You have to monitor everything you say.,
As a test, just note during an average day how many times your personal life comes up in a conversation, whether you're at a mall buying clothes or stuck on the phone with a telephone salesperson. Imagine how you would respond if you had to hide your life. If you were a gay man in a long-term relationship and a telephone salesperson called and asked for the "woman of the house," how would you answer? Would you say, "We're not interested," and hang up? Or would you say, "I'm a man and so is my spouse, so there is no 'woman of the house.'" Or you could do what a friend of mine does who has gotten so fed up with telemarkets that instead of simply saying there's no woman in the house, he answers in his deep, resonant, unmistakably male voice, "You're talking to her."
When Gary, who grew up in a very small southwestern town, came out of the closet to his family, friends, and colleagues on a national television talk show, he felt an incredible sense of relief and renewal. "It was like being born. The burden had been lifted from my shoulders. For the first time I felt like I had a life. It was the first time I stood up and said, 'This is who I am, and I'm proud of who I am.' For someone who was always embarrassed about being gay, that wasn't easy, especially on national television. And it took me until I was thirty-five to do it. But it was important for me to do it for myself and to set an example for young people, to show them there's a better way that you don't have to hide the way I did and waste all those years. My only regret about the whole experience was that I hadn't done it sooner. Of course, I felt bad about upsetting my parents, but it'd been on my shoulders since I was a kid. It was time for them to deal with it. It wasn't my problem anymore."
I can't speak for all gay and lesbian people, but most of the hundreds of gay men and lesbians I've interviewed in the past five years have told me that coming out has ultimately been a positive experience. And that group includes people who have lost their jobs or been rejected by their families and even their children. The experience may have been painful, traumatic, frightening, and overwhelming, but almost none of the people I've spoken with have said they regret living life free of the closet.
My uncle once said to me, "Okay, I can understand wanting to be truthful about who you are, but why do gays have to flaunt it all the time?" When he asked that question, my uncle and I were sitting on beach chairs just a few feet away from the picnic table where my uncle's mother-in-law was playing Scrabble with my friend, Peter and Eleanor, who were just a couple of months away from being married. At that moment, Peter was stroking Eleanor's back in a very tender and loving way. I called my uncle's attention to the obvious public display of affection and asked him if he considered what Peter was doing with Eleanor "flaunting." He got my point. What we generally consider normal behaviour for heterosexual people-talking about a romantic interest or relationship, and affectionate peck on the check between husband and wife, holding hands in public, or stroking the back of your beloved-we call "flaunting" when gay and lesbian people do it.
Most gay people, like heterosexual people, have no desire to make a spectacle of themselves. They just want to be themselves in the same way that heterosexual people are. Many times I've heard lesbian and gay people say-and I've said it too-how wonderful it would be to hold hands when walking down the street with a boyfriend, a girlfriend or spouse without having to worry that someone was going to call you names or come at you with a baseball bat.
National Coming Out Day, which has been celebrated every October 11 since 1988, commemorates the October 11, 1987, gay and lesbian rights march on Washington, D.C. The annual celebration is coordinated by an educational nonprofit organization called National Coming Out Day. According to the organization's executive director, "We're a visibility campaign that encourages people to tell the truth about their lives-to come out of the closet, so we can put to rest the myths that people have used against us. And we're dedicated to seeing the lesbian and gay community participate fully, openly and equally in society. To reach that goal, we encourage groups and individuals across the country and around the world to plan individuals across the country and around the world to plan events on and around National Coming Out Day that promote visibility."
National Coming Out Day is now marked by events in places all over the world, including New Zealand, India, Thailand, Great Britain, Canada and Siberia. For example, some communities raise money to place ads in local city newspapers that list the names of people who have decided to come out of the closet. One group in Denver, Colorado, paid for five billboards that said, "Coming Out Means Telling the Truth About Your Life, a Real Family Value." Another group in Philadelphia holds its annual block party every October 11.
The common myths about gay and lesbian parents---and I emphasize the word myths---that are often expressed by those who oppose gay and lesbian people having, adopting, and raising children, are that they are more likely to molest their children, that they will raise gay and lesbian children, that children raised by two parents of the same sex will poorly adjusted, and that they children of gay parents will be discriminated against.
First, gay and lesbian people are no more likely to sexually abuse their children than heterosexual people (and as the study I cite in chapter 1 from the Children's Hospital in Denver suggests, gay and lesbian parents are far less likely to do so). Second, you cannot intentionally raise a gay child any more than you can intentionally raise a heterosexual child. From everything that is known, a parent cannot affect a child's sexual orientation. Third, whether or not a child is well adjusted has more to do with whether or not a child is loved than whether there are two mothers, two fathers, a mother and a father, or a single parent.
The one argument against gay and lesbian people raising children that is based in fact is that the children of gay and lesbian people are likely to face special challenges because of society's prejudice against gay men and lesbians. It is true that the children of gay and lesbian people may feel they have to hide the fact that their parents are gay or may have to contend with prejudiced remarks or negative reactions from their friends or the parents of their friends who don't approve of gay and lesbian people. But this is no more a rational argument against gay and lesbian people having children than it would be for any other group that faces discrimination in our society. This is, however, a good argument for working to change people's negative attitudes.
When Barbara, a clerk-typist from Philadelphia, was a young woman back in the early 1950s, she desperately wanted to meet other women who were gay. Until then, she had only read about lesbians in novels. "I don't remember exactly how I knew about gay bars, probably from all the reading I'd done, but somehow I heard about a bar in New York City. To save money on bus fare, I hitchhiked to New York from where I lived in Philadelphia-this was obviously a long time ago. When I finally found the place and found my people, it was marvelous. I don't like bars, but I was thrilled to meet people who were like me."
Though these bars were just about the only place gay men and lesbians could go in the 1950s to meet other people they knew were gay, today in every major and midsize city, gay and lesbian people meet in a variety of settings, from gay and lesbian running clubs and softball teams to religious organizations and volunteer groups-in addition to bars, restaurants, and clubs that cater specifically to a gay and lesbian clientele. But these aren't the only places and the only ways gay and lesbian people meet each other. Just like everyone else, gay and lesbian people meet at work, social events, and at the grocery store and are introduced through friends and even family. When I was in my early twenties and single, my mother and her friend Fran decided their gay sons should meet. They figured if they weren't going to have daughters-in-law of any kind, they might as well try for Jewish sons-in-law. (It was a nice try, but we didn't make it past the second date.)
Figuring out if the man or woman you're interested in dating is in fact gay and lesbian is often no small challenge. Unless you meet in a setting where you know for sure that everyone is gay, you're left in the difficult position of trying to figure it out. I remember once in college telling my friend Mary Ann about an upperclassman I had a crush on. Every time I mentioned his name over a period of several days, Mary Ann said, "I don't think he's interested in men." The more Mary Ann tried to dissuade me, the more I insisted that he was gay. I told Mary Ann, "He's sensitive; he seems to enjoy my company; he takes good care of himself. There's just something about him. I knew he's gay." Mary Ann rolled her eyes and said, "I'm sure he's not." I asked her how she could be so certain, and she looked at me as if she couldn't believe how dense I was and said, "Because I've been sleeping with him for the past month!" I was so grateful that I hadn't asked him out on a date! The last thing I wanted to do was make a pass at a straight guy.
Sometimes it's relatively easy to figure out if the man or woman you've taken a liking to is gay. For example, if he or she is wearing a button or jewelry that indicates support for gay causes. Another clue might be if his or her style of clothing or haircut conforms to what's popular among gay and lesbian people. But it there are no outward signs, then it can be a major challenge. If you're in a business situation, for example, you may have to be very careful, beyond all the usual reasons you have to be careful about pursuing romantic interests at the office. If you've kept your sexual orientation a secret from your colleagues, you have to feel confident that the person you're interested in is also gay or lesbian-and in addition will protect your secret. The last thing you want to do in a case like this is reveal the fact you're gay to someone who will blow your cover. So you have to proceed very carefully.
When Jane met Justine in the company cafeteria, it was love at first sight, but Jane had no idea whether or not Justine was gay. She had her hopes, especially when Justine gave her a broad smile when they met, but she couldn't be sure. Over the next couple of weeks Jane gathered evidence from their conversations. "I found out that Justine lived alone. She never talked about boyfriends. Her politics seemed on target. But it wasn't until I met her at her apartment one evening to go to the movies that I was absolutely sure. her books were a dead give away." Of course, Justine was also gathering evidence, so by the time she invited Jane to meet her at her apartment before the movie, she was confident that Jane was also gay. "I could tell from the way she looked at me. Jane may have thought she was being subtle, but if there's one thing Jane isn't, it's subtle!"
First you have to think about what it is that makes you think the person you're dating is gay or lesbian. My friend Tina said that some of her friends think that a man is gay if he won't have sex on the first date. "Plenty of straight men don't want to go to bed on the first date. Most often it has nothing to do with whether or not a guy likes women. I don't understand what the rush is. Once you've crossed that line, there's no going back. And it's also possible that the guy you're dating just doesn't find you all that physically interesting. That's a hard one to accept."
But sometimes a lack of interest in sex may indeed by an indicator that your boyfriend or girlfriend is gay or lesbian. If you feel that the man or woman you're dating doesn't have a lot of interest in the opposite sex, you can try asking him or her, "What is the problem?" If you're comfortable, you can ask bluntly, "Are you gay?" but that won't necessarily elicit an honest response. If my first girlfriend in college had asked me if I was gay, I would have said no-not because I was trying to hide anything, but because I hadn't even admitted it to myself. Although Anna never asked me, I learned from her years later that she was pretty sure I was gay because of my lack of interest in doing anything physical other than kissing, and I don't remember being very enthusiastic about that either.
If you can't get what you feel is an honest response from the man or woman you're dating, you may find that your only alternative is to end the dating relationship. That doesn't mean you can't be friends, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a relationship with someone who would really rather be with a person of the same sex.
Return to the Resource Library page.