There once was a student called "Roupen."
Whose grasp of the environment wasn't super-doopen.
"You Hippies," he said,
"Are better off dead!"
(Ten years later they died with Roupen in toxic soupen.)
No body knew what the hell it meant, but Roupen resented the fact that the person he was criticizing would dare to write a poem about him.
Roupen stopped setting fires in the village next to the village that Xmos was visiting; instead he began to set fires in the village that Xmos was visiting. This really infuriated Xmos. Xmos began to carry buckets of water with him so that he could put out the fires that Roupen would start. Obviously, this annoyed Roupen, so Roupen decided to burn Xmos' books with grease fires, which cannot be put out with water. Xmos could not figure out how to put these out, so decided to stop travelling Europe. This is when Xmos compiled all his poems together to form a single tome. After several months of work, he completed what is now known as Poems from the Everyday. He printed several hundred copies of the book, and stored them in a warehouse in France.
Roupen, having decided that he defeated Xmos, signed up with the British army. During a battle in France, he noticed a warehouse nearby with a sign that read: "Xmos Publishing, Ltd." Realizing that he had the opportunity to get the "last laugh," he fired a cannonball at the warehouse and blew it to kingdom come. This effectively ended Xmos' writing career. However the explosion did manage to propel a copy of Poems from the Everyday towards a nearby town, where it was discovered by a scholar who, after being thoroughly impressed with the work, donated it to a local university. From there, it eventually made it to a British university where it was rediscovered during World War II. Roupen went on to be promoted to the rank of Sergeant Major Pain in the Ass in command of the Latrine Cleaners Battalion.
Another story says that Xmos was the founder of the Xmosian Order of monks. A few more sleepless nights at university libraries revealed that a Roupen lived next door to the monastery of the Xmosian Order. Our research told us that he was not very fond of the hymns that the Xmosian order produced. Since he lived so close to the monastery he had to listen to the monks chant their really terrible hymns all the time. This made him irritable, so he decided to make life rough for the monks.
First he salted the monastery's vineyard. This prevented the monks from making wine to sell. Much to Roupen's chagrin, this allowed the monks to devote more time to composing hymns. Roupen decided to fight fire with fire by learning to play the drum. The Xmosian monks would chant their hymns all day, and Roupen would sit across the street playing the drum as loudly as possible in an effort to distract the monks. The monks, however, saw it as another obstacle in life that had to be overcome, and they were inspired to write even more hymns.
Roupen decided that to really distract the monks he had to become a pagan. So Roupen slaughtered goats and small woodland creatures on his front lawn. This made the Xmosian monks' faith stronger, and inspired them to compose more hymns. Roupen realized that to completely stop the annoying chants he would have to kill each and every Xmosian monk. He decided to starve them death by preventing people from donating money to the order. Roupen would hide in the bushes in front of the monastery and bludgeon with a club every pilgrim who approached the donation box. This gradually caused pilgrims to stop coming to the monastery.
As the Xmosian Order's money supply dwindled, so did their food and health. Starving to death inspired them even more than ever to write hymns. Finally, after three months without a single donation the last Xmosian monk died. Roupen lived a happy, peaceful life until a lightning bolt struck his villa and burned it to the ground. In 1069 AD, the Bishop of Jerusalem realized how vital Roupen was to the Xmosian Order, and named a street in Jerusalem after him.
A third history of Rev. Xmos states that he was an orphan by the name of Peter Johnson. Our research indicates that a Roupen also plagued this Rev. Xmos. Peter Johnson first ran into Roupen while he was a child at Our Lady of Age Spots Orphanage. Peter was a trouble maker of sorts; he was always trying to get the attention of the nuns. He never did anything dangerous, but his stunts were always outrageous enough to get him in trouble. Some of his stunts were: flying the nuns brassieres on the flag pole, turning all the crucifixes upside down, impersonating a minister in the confession booth, writing down the confessions of the nuns, and selling the confessions of the nuns to local newspapers. Of course, Peter would also play small jokes, such as using plastic ice cubes with flies in them, itching powder, and woopie cushions.
Peter met Roupen in his fifth grade math class. Roupen was not very bright, and liked to copy off of other students in the class. This was fine with Peter, until Roupen got caught and convinced the teacher that Peter was really the one cheating, not himself. This obviously got Peter in trouble, and he was paddled for ten minutes. Peter vowed revenge, and decided to prove to the teachers that Roupen was a cheater.
Now, when we say that Roupen was not too bright, we really mean it. Several months after getting Peter in trouble, he decided to cheat off of Peter. Peter saw that he had the perfect opportunity to get back at Roupen. Peter had a 99% in math, so he decided to sacrifice his test grade in order to get Roupen in trouble. So, instead of solving the math problems, he wrote the following on his test paper:
"I am not really doing my own work. I, Roupen, am really copying off the person sitting in front of me, Peter Johnson. I do this all the time. I have never done my own work on any test in this class. I was caught cheating once, but I blamed it on Peter, and he was paddled for ten minutes. Boy you nuns must be pretty stupid to let me get away with this. I have decided to turn myself in by writing this note on my test."
Peter took a quick glance at Roupen's paper, and the poor sap was actually writing it down. When it came time to hand in the test, Peter threw his out, but Roupen handed his in.
The teacher showed Roupen's test to her supervisor. The supervisor showed it to the vice principal. The vice principal showed it to the principal. The principal showed it to the Bishop. The Bishop shoed it to the Archbishop. The Archbishop showed it to the Cardinal. The Cardinal showed it to the Pope. The Pope decreed that Roupen should be kicked out of the orphanage. Roupen was expelled, and vowed to return the favor to Peter in the future.
So Peter went on with his life. He eventually got himself expelled at the age of fourteen. He spent two years at a state orphanage. Then he worked as a bricklayer for four years. As a bricklayer he began to write poems. After being fired, he continued to write poems, and for several years tried to get them published. After years of rejection letters, he published his poems with his own money. He began to travel the country selling his book, Poems of the Day by Rev. Xmos. The police began to follow him in order to arrest him for false advertising.
While staying in Sewage Line, Arkansas he began an affair with Miss Ida Parkinson, the town librarian. One night, Peter and Ida started to make out. All of a sudden, Ida began to beat the crap out of Peter. While recuperating in the hospital, Peter was arrested by the authorities. After spending six years in prison, Peter was paroled, and became a janitor at Montgomery Blair High School. In 1975 he committed suicide because his poems were not appreciated. However, in 1989 his spirit possessed a group of students at Blair to begin to write stupid poems and attributing them to Rev. Xmos.
Peter Johnson never knew that Miss Ida Parkinson was really Roupen. It seems that after being expelled from the orphanage, Roupen became very angry and confused. At the age of 18, he became a transvestite and moved to Sewage Line, Arkansas. When he (she?) learned that Peter Johnson was coming to town, he saw the opportunity for revenge. He befriended Peter, and they started to see each other every night. Roupen waited until the police came to the town of Septic Tank, which was only ten miles away, and then decided that it was a good time to incapacitate Peter. So, on that fateful night, Roupen beat Peter unconscious, and later informed the police that Peter Johnson was in the hospital. He also lied and filed the following charges against Peter: dishonesty, littering, and 23rd degree murder (telling someone to "Go to Hell").
The final tale takes place in a small town that lies deep in the hills of West Virginia, Jack Daniels. And in this town lives a man by the name of Billy Bob McBob. (If you are a true Poem of the Day fan, then you will have immediately recognized that name. If you are not a true fan, or if you are a new fan, then you should know that Billy Bob McBob had an Close Encounter of the Third Kind with an alien that we believe to be Rev. Xmos.) And the following story was told to us by Billy Bob when we asked at what point in his life he started to see aliens.
When Billy Bob was in the second grade he, was in the same class as a lad named Roupen. Roupen was the oldest of the pair; being three years older than Billy Bob made him nineteen years old. A very stunning lass by the name of Jeannie Joe was also in their class. Billy Bob described her for us: "Well, she had the purtiest smile of the girls I ever seen. She was almost six feets tall, and had legs that just wouldn't quit. Her [rear end] was the finest in all of Jack Daniels. She had the biggest [chest] that I ever seen on a twenty 'ear old." It seems that both Billy Bob and Roupen had the hots for Jeannie Joe. Billy Bob was determined to get a date with her before he graduated to the third grade. He estimated that this would give him a good two years to achieve his goal.
Billy Bob tells us that he was waiting for the right time to ask out Jeannie Joe. He says: "I couldn't just drag my butt up to her and say 'Ya wanna go and see the Ode to the Commode statue with me?' Especially since I had never spoken to her before. So I was waiting until I had at least had been on speaking terms with her." So, the Halloween Dance passed, the Thanksgiving Day dance passed, and the Valentine's Day dance passed. There were only two more dances that school year: the St. Patrick's Day dance, and the End of School Year dance. Billy Bob would have to make his move soon if he wanted to date her that school year.
Unfortunately for Billy Bob, Roupen did not have the same problem. Roupen had made his move in early March by asking Jeannie Joe to go to the movies with him. She agreed, and in the next two weeks they went on five dates. Roupen then asked her to go to the St. Patrick's day dance with him. She accepted. Roupen, being as obnoxious as the average teenager can be, never failed to mention that he was dating Jeannie Joe when ever he spoke to Billy Bob. Billy Bob thought that Roupen was being extremely annoying, so he became determined to steal Jeannie Joe away from Roupen. In his own words: "I decided to sho' Jeannie Joe what kind of slimy peace of cow [stuff] Roupen really was. Ya see, when Roupen was in first grade he hads a girlfriend, and he treated her like [crap]. I didn't want him to treat Jeannie Joe like that."
Billy Bob wrote a note to Jeannie Joe explaining to her that Roupen was scum. The next day at school, she approached Bill Bob in the hall and kneed him in the crotch. "I 'member it like it was yesterday. I ain't never again been racked that hard by no one. She also screamed at me, 'You lier, Roupen isn't like that. He has been a perfectly nice guy,'" related Billy Bob. He decided that Roupen must have changed, after all the other incident had occurred five years ago. So, he figured he was wrong, and would just leave it the way it was. The day before the St. Patrick's day dance, Billy Bob overheard Roupen talking to a friend in the hall about Jeannie Joe. Apparently, Roupen was not saying the nicest things about Jeannie Joe. "I couldn't believe that names he was calling her. I knows that us hicks use a colorful vocabulary, but he said things that would make even the hardest and toughest hick blush."
After school, Billy Bob accosted Jeannie Joe in the hall and told her some of the things that Roupen had said about her, and some of the names he had called her. "She got this mean look in her eyes, and said to me, 'You [expletive] pig!' I thought she was going to rack me again! She didn't. She just whacked me in the head, sending me straight to the floor, and said, 'What the hell have you been smoking? Roupen is more considerate than you will ever be. He would never tell a girl such lies about her boyfriend.' Then, as I was standing up, she slammed me against the wall, and left."
Billy Bob went home thinking that he had just completely blown his chance with Jeannie Joe for the rest of his life. However, he couldn't have been farther from the truth. That night at the dance, Roupen got totally buzzed and started to treat Jeannie Joe like [expletive]. Jeannie Joe kicked him in the crotch so hard that he flew several feet into the air. She stormed out of the dance, and went home. The next day she apologized to Billy Bob, and thanked him for trying to warn her. Then she asked him out on a date. Billy Bob immediately accepted.
By June, Billy Bob and Jeannie Joe had become a steady couple. Roupen, naturally, was very upset, and he swore revenge. He did not know when, and he did not know how, but he knew he was going to get back at Billy Bob one day. On the night of the End of School Year dance, Billy Bob and Jeannie Joe went out to eat at the fanciest restaurant that Billy Bob could afford3. Then they went to see the Ode to the Commode statue4. Finally they went to the dance. They were voted Most Likely to Advance a Grade for the next school year. Around midnight they left the dance and went out into the fields. Says Billy Bob: "I can't believe I helds out 'til midnight. She was wearing a skin tight black velvet dress and...," well, that about sums up the reason that they went to the fields.
While they were in the fields, Jeannie Joe thanked Billy Bob more once again for trying to save her from Roupen. Unbeknownst to Billy Bob and Jeannie Joe, Roupen had secretly been following the couple around. He heard Jeannie Joe thank Billy Bob, and he exploded. He jumped at Billy Bob and screamed: "You [expletive] little [expletive]!" Billy Bob was scared out of his wits and started running. He ran as fast as he could, but Roupen was faster. As Billy Bob approached the tool shed, Roupen finally caught up to him and tackled him. Billy Bob fell and with a klank, became one with a garden weasel. The instrument plunged its stainless steal blades into his cranium and he lay on the ground unconscious. Meanwhile Jeannie Joe had managed to get her dress back on and had made it to the tool shed. She grabbed a shovel and hit Roupen in the ass so hard that he took flight and landed in the next county. She dislodged the garden weasel from Billy Bob's skull and took him to the local medical clinic. He was treated and released a few hours later.
"What the hell does this have to do with Rev. Xmos you ask?" Well if you remember, Billy Bob started to see aliens after his accident with a garden weasel.
What these four stories reveal is that Roupen always advanced the interests of Rev. Xmos despite his efforts to do the contrary. Who knows how many other times Roupen tried to defeat the efforts of Rev. Xmos and failed. The mind boggles at the possibilities. Many questions come to mind: if, as conjectured in Who is Rev. Xmos Anyway?, Xmos really is a universal entity that manifests itself where ever people create, then is Roupen the anti- Xmos, the entity that manifests itself where ever people try to put down creativity? If this is the case, then it is most likely that Roupen always exists at the same time as Xmos. It is quite possible that Roupen can exist without an Xmos, but that Xmos must always have a Roupen to exist. Perhaps Roupen attracts and Xmos? Obviously more research into this matter is needed, and surely will be pursued at a later date.