"But the crowning insult to our simple minded realism comes, of course, from our friends the physicists . . . . If Krazy is Schrödinger's Cat in the famous demonstration then my dear then we are really up the ontological creek without a paddle because when the brick is hurled she may be in any of several eigenstates, several mathematical probability matrices, in some of which the brick will hit her and in some of which it will not."
"Oh, wow."
"Wow, indeed. To paraphrase Descartes: 'I think, therefore, I am confused.' "
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Thom has left his comfortable job in his comfortable city located in the middle of the comfortable Midwest to become a student again and eat half-thawed burritos directly out of the freezer like a crazed animal. He has torn his lovely wife Rosie from her home in downtown Indianapolis and dragged her to an apartment on the frozen industrial tundra of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where she must dress in homespun and sew her own curtains and endlessly press and starch dingy blue work shirts for day laborers in an effort to bring enough in to pay the feudal laird. At twilight, the Amish come and beat them both mercilessly. It is a bitter, bitter life.
Ever confident that he would eventually find a way to make working with computers actually interesting again, Thom decided to attend the newly formed Human-Computer Interaction Institute at Carnegie Mellon University. This interdisciplinary program combines the design expertise of the College of Fine Arts, the legendary School of Computer Science, and the Social and Decision Sciences department. This means that Thom is learning from some of the most influential thinkers of our time in several disparate areas of study, all working together to create a new science of user interface design and usability. It also means that he can lie down and peer through the tiny golden door into the garden of CMU's highly rated drama program, but can't fit even his foot inside. (Though he has now stumbled upon a mysterious cupcake labeled "Eat Me" . . .)
Do not think for even a moment that Thom is miserable in his new role at his new job in his new city and his new life. Au contraire, mes fręres! He and his adorable wife Rosie are figurative kittens at figurative play in the figurative sandbox of Pittsburgh (while Max and Sheldon, for purposes of comparison, are literal kittens in a very literal and quite evident sandbox). Thom still has whole bunches of cut-rate CDs and books that he doesn't have time to read. He listens to Rosie practice the banjo he bought her and wistfully thinks of a less complicated time when he could play his accordian without shame. Once in a great while, he travels to visit his friends and family. Much more often, he just watches television and laughs himself silly at a sitcom he's seen three times before.
Thom plans to graduate in 1998 with a Masters degree in Human-Computer Interaction. He'll then shop his resumé (hoary with war stories and piquant bon mots) around to companies who, research shows, have the kinds of jobs which Thom will enjoy. He will gladly trade $20,000 a year or so for a work week that includes 40 hours of incredibly painstakingly top-notch detailed creative brilliance, but which then allows him to go home and carry on his personal, ineffable, mysterious life. Despite Thom's innate pessimism, he is convinced that such employment exists.
You can make Thom do a little dance if you write him at thomv@cs.cmu.edu, or write him and Rosie at trv@pathway.net, or call them at 412-422-4442. Donations may be sent to 5740 Wilkins Ave Apt 1-L, Pittsburgh, PA, 15217. If you ever visit CMU, you can steer towards the huge advertisement for the building power of concrete (Wean Hall), drop down (yes, down) to the third floor, and follow your nose to the formaldehyde-odored newly remodeled 3700 corridor and the squalid faeryland which is the Icie Project Laboratory. As a full-time employee of Carnegie Mellon, not a student, Thom can smuggle you some season tickets for only $2 more than students pay, or check out a library book for you for three months instead of one. Do not abuse his power.
~ Number One ~
You are walking down a busy New York thoroughfare and you spot Thom and Rosie buying all-beef hotdogs from a street vendor. You catch their eye and wave, hurrying over to say hello. Thom has just had a new play open off-off-Broadway, and Rosie has accepted a teaching position in Rhetoric at NYU. As you say your goodbyes and promise to check your calendar for a time to get together, they step off the curb and are struck down by a street cleaner which kills them instantly.
~ Number Two ~
You're out for a romantic evening and have just been seated at a fine French restaurant in San Francisco. A mysterious bottle of wine is sent over to your table. As you scan the faces in the restaurant to see who might have sent it, Thom and Rosie suddenly appear and join you. They chat inanely for a while, then start hurling your dinner rolls at other diners. When the rolls are gone, there is a pause. Finally, Thom speaks. "You know, we've both been having very strange headeaches these past few months," he whispers. Then you all sit there in absolute silence for what seems like hours.
~ Number Three ~
The dawn breaks chilly and grey on your South Dakota mink farm. As you pull on your woolen underwear to head out to the barn and slop the mink, a strange disquiet comes over you. It's then that you realize exactly what the man in the topcoat who stared at you in the Piggly-Wiggly on Tuesday must really be up to. Is this it? you ask yourself. Could my presence here have finally been detected by the Slovakians? Just then, a poorly designed computer interface causes the remaining U.S. missiles to fire inadvertenly, triggering complete nuclear armageddon.
a poorly defined
computer
interface
that destroyed
the world
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