After a fascinating drive on some of our nation's least used highways, an accident involving our car, three cows, a hornets' nest, an issue of Penthouse magazine, and an illegal still (trust me, you really don't want to know), and a hiking trip through the mountains, we made it to Jack Daniels, WV. All the Enquirer could tell us about their source was that his name was Billy Bob. Unfortunately, we had to contact fifteen Billy Bob's (all who were willing to tell us about there extraterrestrial encounters) before we found our man: Billy Bob McBob.
Billy Bob was very happy to know that someone actually took an interest in his extraterrestrial encounters (apparently everyone left town after listening to the first ten Billy Bobs). We first asked him about his history with Unidentified Flying Objects. He informed us that he had been seeing them for the past fifteen years, ever since he was involved in an accident with a garden weasel. He said that he sees them "'bout once or twice a week," and that "often theys shares [his] six-pack" with him. His response to the our next question cinched his credibility. We asked him if he considered himself an expert on alien life forms, and we received the following reply: "As sure as my pappy is my brother-in-law!1" We took that to be a positive answer.
We were now ready to proceed with the real mission: finding out what Billy Bob knew about Rev. Xmos. We asked him what he had been doing when he had that particular encounter. He said that it was around two o'clock in the morning, and that he was out in the fields "with [his] hot'n'crazy love muffin," and that he was "just about done with [his] Jiffy Lube 10 point inspection" when he heard a voice. The voice said: "Hey you there. Yes, you in the fields, stop that and look up."
Billy Bob looked up and saw a UFO about three-hundred feet long, that at first glance looked like a cigar, but after careful observation looked like a magic marker. The voice continued: "Don't just stand there, please move out of the way if you don't want to be squashed." Billy Bob quickly pulled his overalls back on, and ran out of the way with his girl. The ship landed and a portal opened. Billy Bob tells us that he heard a "rhythmic type chanting, almost like the kind [he] hears when [he] speaks to God." A beam of light shined on Billy Bob and he was sucked into the ship.
Inside the ship, Billy Bob saw many humanoids that "looked exactly like Jawas, except that their clothes were purple instead of brown, they were taller, [he] couldn't see their eyes, and that they didn't sell used robots." He was taken to a room. Billy Bob didn't really know what it was, but after hearing his description it sounds like it was a classroom. He was forced into a chair, and text appeared on the blackboard. Billy Bob says he can't remember what it said, but that he had to do with flowers and feet. One of the aliens with a large X on his clothing presented himself to Billy Bob, and handed him a list of his credentials. Billy Bob says that it looked like "a whole hunka-hunka of college degrees." The alien told him that he should to be thankful to be in the presence of such genius. The alien mumbled something about visiting all the great civilizations, but Billy Bob didn't quite catch what he said. Billy Bob was given a large book and told to read it before sunrise. Reading it once would give him all the knowledge he needed to make Jack Daniels, WV the next scientific center of the world.
Unfortunately, Billy Bob only managed to read half the book by sunrise, and then the aliens took the book away and kicked him out of the ship. He ran to the bar to get his buddies, but when he returned to the field all he found was the letters X, M, O, and S trampled into the wheat. He says he does not think that the book had much of an influence on him, except "for the next month [he] was runnin' 'round reciting all kinds of dumb ass poems."
That was all Billy Bob had to tell us that was relevant to Rev. Xmos. He offered to show us his toe nail collection, but we were already nauseated enough from the sight of his framed roadkills2. We left Jack Daniels, West Virginia with a little more knowledge on just who Rev. Xmos is, and how he influences the world. We also learned that when driving in the fog, one should not make mooing noises. It is also a bad idea to leave your car parked next to the City of Jack Daniels' Ode to the Commode statue3.